Long Vacation

Great.. another day slacking at home again. Don't ask me why.. i also don't know. Maybe just having my 'long vacation'. Well.. but seems that i'm more tired than before.. and that had more pimples growing.. argh.. the super giant.. at the same places everytime.. haiz..

I think i really have bad karma.. went to band on sunday and stepped on a cactus.. and the torn got embedded in my foot..and had to pull it out when i reach.. coz was running late already.. well..really suay.

Things are retuning.. maybe. Just the pimples and my suay-ness.. discussed a lot with people.. and still wondering whether to get an i-pod or zen.. haha.. get i-pod can do podcast.. get zen cannot.. that is called zencast? ar.. lame.

Some things are just beyond me. Another day wasted.

All The ....

11pm. Band practice was so - so.. not much new faces though.. and the usual ones were boring.. Only one 'new' player caught my attention.. very hyper.. kept laughing over nothing.. Well.. couldn't say i played badly today.. haha.. coz i have no braces already. As usual. .the only french horn there.. anything will turn solo.. and the pieces were all written such that i'm playing a totally different part... Quite surprised that the instructor knew my name.. oh great.. i won't be able to escape anymore. Concert coming soon.. January i heard.. and shall be playing 4 pieces minimum.. another 'mini' concert i guess.. but might as well..

I need practices.. and maybe will get back to wss alumni when i feel like it.. coz i don't want to care.. i only take orders from those who give me salary.. and NO ONE can tell me what to or what not to do.. that includes SRC. Getting quite fed up already. Why am i doing things for others? Especially the freggies.. and all the last minute things..Don't be surprised if i have to work LAST MINUTE. Soon? Think i'm going crazy sooner. I'm rebellious. And strangely enough.. why everyone thinks they have done a lot? Argh.. i give up. 2 more months to go and then i'll have enough of this. Knew i couldn't last that long.. hahaa.. just like last year.. disappeared after bazaar.. and this year is no exception. Hahaa.. and anyway, i'm just using the blog to vent my frustrations.. haha.. again. Check my last year entry about bazaar.. lol..

Very tired now.. still have to watch the stupid show.. hahaa.. and maybe get more bowlers for SRC day.. haiz.. who still bowl these days? I mean for leisure.. if not sher and miss sim will humtum me.. hahaa.. haiz.. no wonder nobody interested. At $8 .. i think its expensive.. but then again.. in the name of SRC.. have to do this. For the last time i hope.

Sunday Morning

Woke up at 5 am.. coz slept at 9 plus last night. Time to resume my band practices.. Going to meet up with some of the band members for breakfast at Boonlay Mac.. haha.. so early in the morning.. *yawn. Maybe i woke up a bit too early.. feeling tired now.

Just 2 days ago, had a very strange dream.. dreamt of my accounts lecturer, the botak head.. muahahaa.. i wonder why.. must be too stressed of school work.. kept reminding myself of the tests and assignments that i owed.. haha.. and my poa lecturer likes to 'threaten' us with the admin.. haha.. so think after being 'reminded' that i wasn't in school for almost 2 weeks, guilt got the better of me.

On the 4th day of December:
Band practice as usual.. not confindent.. but who cares? hahaa.. I finally found a programme to keep myself busy. The village head was asking me to do the payslip and no choice had to use scanner to scan the village 'logo'.. haha.. so installed the scanner .. old one that still uses parallel port instead of USB... heng arh.. coz i ran out of USB ports already.. and the dumb computer refuses to recognise what i plugged in. Plug and Play? I think should be Plug and Pray that it works.. haha..so now my printer isn't recognised, my hp isn't recognised, my thumbdrive isn't recognised.. and soon i think it won't recognise me. And so while installing the software, i came across this programme that can covert my essays into word documents!.. so i very free, took out my JC econs notes that i intended to pass to my great grandsons and tired it. The only thing i'm not pleased is that it fails to recognise my handwritting.. what the.. hahaa.. really that bad? So spent my time converting all my notes into word documents.. and maybe finally i found a way to safely dispose all my notes.

I'm running late.. time for band.. shall update again.

Nights Out

3.30am - same day: Back from not zouk but double O.. argh.. the queue was too long.. all filled with ah peks and 'kids'.. i wonder what they are trying to show.. reached rather late also.. thats why couldn't get in.. oh well.. sa ve some cash on the drinks.. but wasted some on the cab. Hahaa..really a lot of kids.. guess must be the end of the exams.. whole planet rush to see the 'newly' rennovated zouk with the fountain in front of the toilet.. hahaa.. what did i say they were kids? Their dressing.. haha.. saw 1 xiao mei mei wearing jeans and t-shirt.. cartoons.. and over-sized somemore.. i had been through there, but that was a few years before. I mean.. if you want to wear lock, then must lock all the way.. cannot half half.. what jeans and large size t-shirt? hahaha.. zek ark ar me.. haha.. well, they kept me amused for 45 mins before i couldn't stand the queue.. and so a change of plan.. towards double O.

Took cab from zouk to MS.. (not maple story lar..).. i guess the cab driver must be really annoyed.. hahaa.. earned about $3 for all the effort.. and not yet midnight.. at first we saw him not intending to start his meter.. and his plot? To start when it was midnight.. but in the end we 'suan-ned' him on his vehicle... hahhaaa.. and i guess he saw through our unkind gesture.. hahaa.. so he very buay song lor.. haha.. but who cares? hahaaa.. for the 2nd time of the night, i getting evil.. hahaa.. well well.. i guess evil people are worth more..

Reach and argh again.. queue was also very long.. and couldn't stand it.. so piad more for the express lane.. $10 more for a house pour? haiz.. bad karma.. haha.. but it was also very crowded inside.. a different crowd though.. i thought i was at Holland or what.. haha..

So just to get back at the disappointment at zouk, buddy and me decided to tah while we can.. haha.. just nice it was one for one.. and for this time, i tried the Illusion.. and i think it really do have some kick.. nice but expensive.. haha.. and then vodka redbull plus one jug vodka ribeana.. all within 15 mins.. or so.. and then went to the packed dance floor.. think i paid to see comedy more.. haha.. saw 1 of my senior look alike trying to know some ladies.. he was all alone.. and hahaa.. we all joked at his own 'programme'.. and whats more.. he cmi.. hahaha.. and the sencond comedy was a project superstar look alike dancing like erm.. i also don't know.. kept knocking at me.. please lor.. i'm a guy... hahaa..

Well .. though without restrain anymore, still have to exercise my 'code of coduct'.. mission plan was to enjoy retro music.. but in the end it switched to drinking.. but never was it for anything else.. i could if i wanted .. haha.. confirm better than cmi. But.. i guess some things just never change.. maybe for now still. Not even with the 'influence'.

Though not as fun, but i knew what i wanted .. maybe for now. Freedom is fun though and can be addictive.. coz i saw how my buddy was tied down.. and how one's action changes.. what can i say? But i willing to give it up.. just waiting for the special someone who is willing to. You gain some and you lose some.. not now perhaps.. i have no rights.. and i shouldn't too.. was foolish in the past.. thinking that all is in the thoughts. if one was determined enough, everything will turn out well. Not so as i've seen.. maybe i'm still inexperienced. Well.. better to hurt someone distance than to endure everything close by. Slowly i'll learn. I'm not immature.. if there is a feeling.. it'll transends everything.. and it'll change everything.. love changes everything.. and maybe all i need was time. Time to realise.. time to let people realise.

Yet i couldn't care much more.. i'm great the way i am.. for one shouldn't stop. For too long that is. And I've learnt.. no need to be re-taught.. and there isn't need to enforce. Just too well for me.. i get what is. Never for once did i think too much.. just helping people to realise their thoughts and actions.. instinct is without thinking. Maybe my brain will be bigger with all my 'logic' and trash. haha..

15th Dec SRC bash.. my card tells me that i'll be drinking a lot on that day.. so i've started on my 'intensive' training.. haha.. actually no. I don't like that feeling either.. just trying to humor everyone.. including myself perhaps.. but then again.. if i can survive that day, it shall be great.

4 am now, and i've gained another kg!.. i hoped it's not from the drinks i had.. hahaa.. so i'm just 2 kg away from my target.. hahaa.. and 1 more month to go.. woo hoo! (erm.. not the SIMs 2 that woo hoo lar.. ) Find it so bored to go to school these days.. it serves no purpose.. for me that is.. $50 per lessons? Hahaa.. well.. too bad for myself.. i paid it myself. All except for $200 that i still owe my dad.. hahaa.. i need time to really think it through.. is it really for me? I've been away from school for almost one week plus now.. and if i absent from classes later, (i think i will.. P=(0.9)) then i shall be back next monday.. and it is only shall.. hahaa.. i really need to think.

The december 'festive' season ... festive = aww.. hahaa.. and i'm sure its somewhere in the corner.. if not somewhere over the rainbow? haha.. Things are all chained together.. thats why we have a 'chain of event'.. so if one screwed up one part, then the whole thing is screwed. If that part is done right, it is just the minimum requirement. So for everything done wrong, it goes through the 'multiplier'.. and the right things are for granted.. Enough of my 'logic'.. i think i shall be a thinker instead. One of the Excos once said that being one can bring unhappiness.. ya.. i totally agree.. yet i need someone to challenge my 'intellegence'.. (not my school work lar.. ).. i need both.

So someone mature? hahaa... but i can only exercise logic before romance. Instinct still rules.. and instincts are bad.. haha.. so for this december i await my 'xmas' story.

Finding Fun

10 pm.. boring wednesday with nothing to do.. i've cleaned my bass and my french horn.. argh.. very dirty.. all the valves are stuck.. and the slides too. I've neglected it. haha.. maybe i've really got over it.. but performing isn't without credit.. i've screwed up some solos during the years and also have done well when i shouldn't. haha.. that is.. - skill. Anyways.. haha.. now adding s into speech thanks to mr brown.. haha.. and my toopid friend kept repeating it in front of me.. haha..

Of coz, getting influenced by the people around.. haha.. like 'seriously', 'anyway' and 'by the way'.. hahaa.. i'm so influenced.

SRC giving 'problems' again.. i can never rest well.. i guess most don't understand why i put so much.. not a lot.. but more than usual... It is my responsibility. Well.. just a few more months..

Lots more coming up.. and the whole world seems to realise something a bit late.. no, not the sky is falling.. but something unspoken. ANYWAY, hahaa.. see.. going out now.. haha.. coz today is Wendesday!.. where can i go at this hour? I've changed.. yep.. i know.. too bad then. If i disappear from school tomorrow, i might have overslept.. haha.. haiz.. think i've compensated way too much.

Slacking At Home Again..

Felt quite guilty already.. haha.. had been rotting at home for the whole day. My forte.. disappearing from tests and mock exams.. hahaa.. well, not really that.. just really too tired already. Had been sleeping at around 4am everyday.. makes me very very very tired. And other things else.. still have to do assignments, study test and all that.. where do i get the strength?

But my whole day at home haven't yield anything.. i'm bored. And i have nothing much to play with. I need to do a podcast!.. hahaa.. that shall be my 'newest' hobby.. still finding that one thing i can excel in.. but seems not. Jack of some trades.. master of not even one! .. how can? LOL.. and i've tried so much that others don't.. don't really understand. Whats my line? Maybe i should go learn some magic? hahaa.. crap.

Almost forgot that i won't be needing to go school tomorrow.. haha.. great~.. another free day at home! Maybe i should clean my instrument.. they had been sitting there since my last performance.. so long that i have forgotten when. I shall rejoin them.. haha.. had been 'avoiding'.. well.. SRC too much to do already.. So it shall be back to SWE every sunday.. at Boonlay.. argh.. so far away from home with a 5kg baggage that is bulky.. why i don't have my own car? haha.. 5 more years i guess.

So my Sunday is gone~.. almost half of it.. band practice from 9am - 1pm.. by the time i reached home already 4pm!.. haha.. And my friday is reserved for jamming.. with a band that has no name yet.. yawn~ But can't blame.. haha.. we are all noob. A drumer who is a trumpeter, a guitarist who is also a trumpeter and a bassist (thats me!) who is a horn player.. hahaa.. no wonder we are still so lousy. And we don't practice!.. hahaa... Monday, Tuesday and Thursday is devoted to my beloved SIM.. haha.. so not free.. then i left only Wednesday and Saturday.. and i'm still so bored.. don't know why i can't stand nua-ing much more.. times have changed.

Finding things to fill in my slots.. maybe i should do some 'part-time'.. FOC though.. hahaa.. well.. time to take to the ropes. And a frail one somemore.. but.. i'll have to try..

December - a festive season? Hmm.. still have to work that out. Well.. should be full of bliss.. but seems i missed that again this year.. hahaa.. not fated that is. Festive or not really depends on what will happen the following days.. but i'll be busy though.. haha.. all the way from 9th.. haha.. but i'll have fun... till i forget my own name.

Just last Saturday went to Sentosa to have fun.. really very happy.. wonder why the planet is so sun-allgegic.. All will melt under the sun.. i used to melt too.. but now i enjoyed the outdoors.. haha.. the beach and all.. and i'll love to cycle.. someone please organise.. haha.. it should fun. So that day after the sun we all went to play CS.. hahaa.. and i forgot how to play.. lol. So only had the role of being 'killed'.. and i lost my old CS cd.. hmm.. time to get another copy.

I don't detest my phase.. yet i don't like. Hahaha.. i have no preference anymore. For whatever i did it always slides to the role of my chapter. Whatever is futile. So i now sit and watch my own story. Expect nothing and nothing will hurt. Enjoy while i can.. perhaps when i really can't at least i knew i had before.

I think i shouldn't club that much.. haha.. but will be going clubbing with my NS-tied cousin as soon as he book out from camp. Went to meet him that day at Yishun MRT station to get back my pathetic 2.0 pix camera. Was suprised at how fit he became.. haha.. and now.. i really look an old man in a child's body.. hahaa. I shall really go work something out of my ribs.. muahahaa..

Too much to do till i spent my time thinking of what to do.. what can i do?

Home

Its 4am in the morning.. juz got home from no long ago.. went for beer, supper and a lot of chatting. I shall oversleep tomorrow.. Going sentosa with some of the 'trainers' to train 'dogs'.. haha..

Will be quite fun i guess.. And fun is what i'm needing.. Maybe if theres an ipod or what, i'll be happier. Intending to do a podcast too.. haha.. following the craze .. copycats.. haha.. but it shall keep me busy. But i'll be busy anyway. Not enough time to study.. really not enough. But still, i'll want an ipod for xmas~ please take note. ^^

So things are just 'fated'.. (not farted).. and things that usually bothers you won't in the future.. and maybe i really tried too hard.. haha.. maybe after the beer and all, it finally unblocked my mental block. Not so soon though, i just don't want to wallow in self-pity. I'm not inferior at all.. haha..

Actually i've done up a xmas wish list. I want a keyboard, an i-book, an ipod or mp3 player that i can do podcast with, a LCD monitor.. so far that's all. All are expensive items.. and i can't afford it just yet.. wait till i get my salary.. or santa to give me.. haha.

Had to reach Habour front at 10am later.. and i'll still awake.. had to digest my supper a bit before sleeping.. haha.. guess my 'weight gaining' exercise had yielded some results.. till now had gained around 2 kg or so.. another 3 to hit my target. Now having 4 eggs per day.. too few but i don't know.. i've ran out of ways to cook it. A rather difficult way to gain.. pace is rather slow.. but i still don't want to take weight gainners.. ahahaa.. must do it the 'original' way.. so a long long way i go.. but the future is bright!

Had a few topics to cover on the proposed podcast.. haha.. think it'll be sooo interesting... to me that is. Who cares if it interest others? A matter of choice for all others. Not my problem anyway.. haha.

Woah.. bash coming soon.. 15th Dec 2005.. and tickets priced at $12 for SRC members.. i think i can buy at least one more.. see whoever wants it. Looking forward.. yeah!

Will It Ever Happen?

And i really skipped my classes.. but who cares? But ended up in school anyway to show support for the talentime contest. And i nearly dropped my jaws. Wondered why i've played an instrument for so long and yet couldn't be as splendid as them. Really must go face the wall soon.. haha.

Today's weather is so warm that i almost melted. But now there is thunder and maybe lightnings. How fast thing changes. On the 'bright' side.. (though its 3.30am now, and i'm blogging in total darkness..) the weather will be cool enough for me to sleep well. Had been sleeping late these few days.. 4am or so. This can't carry on..

Was back home late after Talentime coz went to have 'supper' with JJ and ML.. well.. i'm playing the 'lughtbulb' again.. hahaa.. after that we went to play pool. JJ suggested CS.. but i don't want to get 'killed'.. so better choose pool instead. Ended early .. but not early enough.. no busses for me at Clementi. Tried to be smart.. so took 154 to HCJC there to ambush other buses.. but it was already 12.50am.. so had no choice but to take cab home. So i ate a lot today.. reached home and found 2 hard-boiled eggs! haha.. and working towards my goal.. will be hitting my 'target' before xmas if everythng goes well.. i don't want to get another gastric flu.. i might just die from the shock i get from losing weight.

Rather depressed over some things that ain't important to anyone except me.. so i had to face it alone. And the best part is how not to show it. I did badly.. and its showing.. (not my beer belly of coz.. ) But i know i would be alright.. just that i hope for it to be sooner.

The Traffic Jam

Almost a month more to xmas.. and it seems the same to me always. What can i look forward to? Presents? Cards? Chocolates? But all i want for xmas is..

Not my two front teeth of coz.. i still had them. Not for the removal of my braces of coz.. they were gone a few months ago. Not for my studies.. yet. Still a few more months till exams.. Not for money.. yet.. My manager just asked me to get ready to work again..plus i got extra 'income'.. Not for band or whatever.. i don't really care now.. and actually i just want to not know.

Feels like getting stuck in a traffic jam on a rainy day.. knew the outcome would be late and yet panic and woes are common... It's been that.. and anger soon sets in. At the one driver, other road users and every other passangers.. not once did the fingers point on oneself. And if one could set off early, even if there was, one could easily ride over. And the best part is.. for all that jam, one can't even see what was happening.. how long was the jam and so on.. the great unknown was what strikes fear. Handicapped.. not being able to turn back.. and for some, the chose to stay on even there was an exit.. not quite the correct one.. but it was at least definate. More fuel wasted, but at least it'll get somewhere for the moment.. Not like those that are stuck and still PRETEND they are driving..arrr.. So much for traffic jams.. hahaa..

If i continued more, i guess people will complain. Comprehension they said.. hahaa.. and i agree. The Jade Eagle that 'pretend' not to be in LBO on monday once told me that.. and i think she's the only one. But i always envy her.. maybe all i want for xmas is a shorter antenna.

I really really am drained these days.. trying to be someone. Just that someone that i used to be.

Went TTSH (Mr Tan Hospital) for my check-ups on Arthritis.. as usual.. but my doctor shorten the gap of next visit from one year to six months coz i've been 'attacked' again.. haiz. History likes to repeat it seems. And bad enough, i had to do blood test today - on a syringe! Shadows .. haha.. coz my first bloodtest was done by a doctor in A&E on a syringe.. and as you all know, they are quite 'in a hurry' to save lifes.. haha.. so it was very painful. Other factors include a 'grumpy' nurse.. haa.. Well, i can understand why.. having to deal with blood and urine samples ain't a fun job.. But due to my overwhelming bloodtest experience, i'm very 'hao lian'.. muahahaa. 6 years under my belt.. who can compare? Actually not a thing to be proud of though.. haha.. By the way, i saw a lot of young people there who also got arthritis at a young age.. and what is so shocking was, they are all very pretty!.. hahaa.. at least some life in a place that was usually full of old people and erm.. .. .erm . . nurses. Well, i grateful to them.. haha.. Actually what shocked me was that they seems proud to get that arthritis.. hmm.. one even said 'so and so will be so shocked to hear that i got arthritis.. ' erm.. ya.. shocked at how a patient could be sooo happy.. = =

2.30am now.. couldn't finish studying marketing.. so decided to skip classes tomorrow. Yeah! But will be in school still.. maybe for FI.. maybe not.. but will be there for Talentime.. coz i've promised.. seems bias .. but no. Its an alternative for me. And i need to have some other things to occupy me.. Hold on to it while it can. And i can continue to be very happy.. especially for this xmas.. a season to be folly.. haha..

All the best to all my friends taking test tomorrow.

From paragraphs 1 and 2
Q1. What did GQoo want for xmas? (2 marks)

Q2.Why did the blogger not worried about other things? (3 marks)

From paragraph 3
Q3. What was the outcome of the traffic jam? (1 mark)

Q4. What are the alternative(s) suggested to evade the jam? (2 marks)

Q5. How did some people cope with the jam? (3 marks)

From paragraph 4
Q.6 Who is Jade Eagle? (4 marks)

Q.7 What is the most prominent feature of Jade Eagle? (2 marks)

From paragraph 6
Q.8 What was the new feature that the blogger saw in this hospital? (1 mark)

From paragraph 7 and 8
Q.9 What was the actual real reason for skipping lectures? (4 marks)

Q.10 What was the paper that was supposed to be tested? (1 mark)

From all:
Write down the meaning(s) of the word/pharse as they are used in this entry. (5 marks)

LBO
antenna
someone
'attacked'
Shadows

Summary:
Write a summary of not more than 120 words on what the traffic jam actually means.
(20 marks)
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Another Chapter Still?

Yupz.. following my own story.. just waiting for it to unfold.

Whole world is playing maple.. that was like.. decades ago.. haha.. when i let go, they picked up.. not fated huh? Till i got bored.. maybe i should reopen my account again. Not so soon.. haha. I'm busy not doing anything.

Up on my list to keep me fully occupied..weight gaining! Or mass? It's ok.. so long as i see an increase.. fats i'm also ok with it.. haha..

Next up, studies.. again. I'm not letting this bug me again.. had a bad experience last year.. and i don't have much money to sponsor for re-takes. Not being someone i'm not.. just someone that i should be.

Weirdo

Had been weird for a week.. i know, maybe i lost my way. Couldn't see.. And won't be seeing.

Jokes a rarity.. i really want to know.. What can i be that wasn't me. Drastically.. but surely.

Time to put in much more effort in my school work. Started on my revision.. well.. at least on cashflows. Cashflows problem.. Direct method seems harder than Indirect.. How ironic. Just in case i forget.. the reason why 350 - 110 + 65 = 305 => 415 (110+65) of cash outflows initially minus the depreciation of 110 that is included.. equals 305!.. to think i spent 2 days to think through it.. i know i'm stupid.. and also the accounts lecturer said an accountant cannot be too logical.. maybe i'm using logic too much.. not that i'm a very logical person.. just that i don't wish to accept things they way they are.. i question and question.. and then.. i forget what i was questioning.

Such was the way of my life. And now some things are going to change.. Maybe that's why it's call the growing process. But sometimes a painful process..

No worries.. i won't. When others don't, i shouldn't too.

Time To Come

Just the day before.. thought i could overcome.. yet just as i was going to, it overcame me. Trying to hard to be somebody that i wasn't.. and i wasn't that somebody. Said i would ignore.. yet i didn't as much.. it still doesn't cure me.

Another placebo another time.. but i've run out of time.. and pills.

Everyone could do as they please.. why can't i? Why should i shoulder any responsibility? It was, at one's will. So long as i ignore, it doesn't matter.. i don't care and i don't want to care. Say what, do what.. whatever.. who cares? Ungrateful? Definately!.. Just doen't want such a patch to spoil my life.. i still have much greater things to acomplish..i wondered what. Time to move on again.. i had enough stops.

UC - Maybe it was a mistake itself. Not a mistake in introducing.. but a mistake of being around. If you care, you will be affected. If you don't, you will not. Yet this to me seems minor.. for i don't really give a damn. If i could, i would. As long as i gain while others don't.

For a moment, i really thought of going part time.. seems to me to be a greener pasture. If i suddenly disappear from classes.. maybe that's where i go... haha.

I really began to understand.. so long as one doesn't care, nothing would affect that person.. not even if the sky is falling down.

I don't really have the mood to joke these days.

All Over.

Ooo.. finally the events are all over.. finally to be free from SRC.. erm.. not quite it seems. Upcoming - Camp D! .. argh.. my time again. Haha.. UC wasn't that bad at all.. though it seems to have a lot of communications break down.. but it seems that we are not the only ones. Even the management of the sentosa also have this problem.. as the same as SIM. Well.. one more people, one more trouble.

More or less, i know what i should not do.. i don't know.. i don't know.. whatever i do or not do will give me the same undesired result. And i really find no point.. i mean.. i don't know... really don't know. And if not knowing is the answer, then i prefer not to know.

Don't even know what i'm blogging.. haha.. maybe just that i don't want people to know.

UC yesterday.. spent the whole day in the sun trying to be a 'dog'... haha.. had some fun.. coz i chose not to know.. and to ignore. If i can ignore my whole life, i guess i would be happier. Anyway.. got sunburned.. haha.. wondered if dogs will get sunburn.. haha..

Be afraid.. be very afraid.. no reason for me to go anymore. It's not longer with me.. or it hasn't been in the first place. I still don't understand.. why am i doing so much for. Maybe it was just another fantasy.. guess it shall take me some time to wake up.

Am I Going To Be Alright?

Seems i don't quite care about myself anymore.. and i really don't want to care. Yet i'm not intending to self destruct the button isn't ready.. i'm not that dumb.. and also, there are too many people that i've footprints on..

200+ posts since a year plus ago.. looking through, i've really change quite a bit. In terms of thinking and the way i treated other people.. I thought i could be immune after so many years of thinking... yet, some things never change. When it comes to this, i'm always at a lost.. it seems that i still couldn't control. I'm not childish.. ( neither am i skinny.. = =) things just happens at the wrong time.. that's all. Yet, the right things are always ignored, and the wrong doings amplified. Me, Myself and I.. whatever i did was wrong.. so why do? Might as well leave it to time to dispose. Sure i will regret, i know i will. But will she?

The sudden strong feelings came back to bug me again.. it seems to be a vicious cycle.. and its very difficult to live. Being too sensitive in a senseless world can kill. And its killing me.. not softly enough though. And people as they always were. Too bad there isn't any mountains in here for me to be a hermit.. or else i rather be one.. If not i train so hard to be a loner for what?

Got enough of myself recently.. for what do i degrade myself for? Lameness.. guess it shouldn't be my image.. and too bad for the rest.. maybe they all can rejoice.. jokes are history.

Too immerse in my own happenings that i totally gave up on SRC for the whole period.. grab a hold of myself.. maybe.. i need someone to hold me.. tightly. Yet it all were just wishes.. maybe the path already parted. So finally came the last event for Welfare department.. Ultimatum Challenge.. all credits go to ML should it be a success.. and all the blame shall be on me should it fails. Was supposed to be the over-all in-charged for this.. yet i bail out.. perfering to agonise myself.. till now. Too late it seems.. and it shall be the event later.. one can only hope as always.

Now trying to find all things to divert my attention.. from eating to playing games.. and of coz, my newly aquired - two of the '4 great evils'... gambling and drinking. I'm not trying to self destruct.. just that it came a time that i unlocked them.. and got stuck. Obessesion it seems.. yet looking around, i'm later than the rest.. haha.. maybe i'm younger.. maybe i'm trying to be stubborn not to conform.. yet it happens. And it spells trouble. Health problems it seems.. still haven't recovered from the whole night mahjong session it seems.. and of coz i have intention to cut down on the 'hobbies'.. Frequently joked about my goal to collect the 4.. haha.. yet i won't.. it'll be against my moral.. and also unfair to the special someone.. that is if i happen to get attached.. guess it won't be so soon.. hahaa.. sadness. I have intention to settle down by the age of 28.. very young for guys.. yet i want my life to unfold as soon as possible.. and of coz, having the intention to earn lots of money.. haha.. and maybe continue to dream on.

And finally to the topic of work.. i could if i wanted.. and i really doesn't want to work.. not because i'm lazy, not because i'm well to do.. but it isn't value for money. Even if it isn't in terms of money, it can seriously disrupt one's studies.. if so.. might as well quit school to work full time and take it as one's 'career'. School fees cost more than what one can earn in a month.. maybe two or three.. what's the point? But really.. some people do have financial difficulties.. so.. i just don't know.. the line is too blured for me to see.

Double or Nothing?

Maybe Life is just double or nothing.. so much for my happy ending.. i don't wish to think.

Uneventful Weekend

Went to update my passport yesterday.. and i had 149 people infront of me!.. just like everyone.. all came to renew/ change photos.. What i dislike is the noise that little kids make. Not that i don't like children.. just that one must learn how to behave in the public.. Anyway, i thought they were going to JB.. thats why i updated my passport.. but no one seems to say anything, and i don't bothered to ask.. thats why stayed at home to have a boring afternoon. Anyway if anyone asked, i guess i would still choose to nua at home.. haha.. think i getting very lazy.

My handphone seems to be spoilt these days.. maybe water got inside.. haha.. it didn't ring for quite some time now... and somewhat it became more of a photo album for me.. So a boring saturday.. spent most of my time packing my room. Things are getting less, but my room seems more messy. Reason being that i've thrown away my wardrobe, my bed and my desk.. haha.. all that could keep things nice and tidy.. but i find them bulky. Time to clear up, and get ready to study.

It seems that the school term had made me lost track of time.. heard something about new year that i began to realise that 2005 is going to end.. haaha.. finally.. i don't know and i don't to know.

One thing that i dread.. going back to band practices.. haha... my passion, my burden. I'm rusty now.. not to mention my horn. And to make the matter worse, i'm the only one there.. ar.. i hate responsibility.. and i tend to panic when i'm alone.. never to let me have solo again.. not to mention concerto. Think i won't get this chance in my life. Actually it really depends on the level of confidence. How you are, measured to the rest. If you feel great, you will be too.. But under SWE, the pressure is too great. All of them had sections... and i'm the only one in the section.. sadness.

Anyway, looking forward to schooling.. didn't spend time to catch up, but i understand what they are teaching.. all except FI.. Must really find time to study..

I'm Bored...

Ar.. holiday too long.. i'm going to go crazy.. So envy of those that are happy go lucky.. haha.. no worries. Maybe they really don't think.. that much that is. I know it is a choice, but i just want to choose that way. Looking through my msn log, then i realised how much things change.. bit by bit, slowly but definately.

Recovered 2 kgs.. had been trying very very hard to gain weight.. i know i'm very light.. please don't remind me.. Anyway, i'm hungry again. Maybe i could comfort myself.. at least i won't turn into a dino.

UC coming.. not at the least worried.. the other that i'm worried.. seems it doesn't bothers anyone. Maybe i should just go off and disapper somewhere. Running away i guess.. its programmed.

ARGH!!.. so bored!

For The Better Or The Worse?

Finally i got better.. but i felt worse.

After about too weeks, i can now eat freely. Felt so ill that i lost 4kgs over past 2 weeks.. When can i regain back? Haha.. spent so much effort to gain 2kgs in 2 months.. and its all over in 2 weeks. Maybe things are like that.. it seems so unimportant when you had it.

Some things are driving me crazy.. really really agitated at some things.. just hoped that thngs might get better.

The school i'm in.. it seems that it is getting worse since the status.. i wondered.. how come the students now react so 'unprofessionally'? A bunch of rich kids that are spoilt enough to do 'catwalk' along the corridor.. kind of irritates me. And people who left their rubbish on the tables.. What is this?

Think i'm really too stressed up. Time to prepare for exams...

Nobody Knows..

I hoped not.. but something is very wrong with me.. had be unwell for 1 week.. yet i refused to see the doc.. haiz.. when will i ever change?

Back from zouk.. really quite disappointed of myself.. guess i shall not drink anymore.. time to be decent. Seriously, i think i've done enough damage to myself. Time to control and 'grow'.

Time for another time have forsaken me.. for i seems to halt at the past. Finally time to move, yet i got stuck again. I know i must grow, for my parents are getting old. I don't wish to worry them.. neither my future spouse.

Drunk again.. already not much left in my stomach, and i puked.. haha.. and i felt really hungry..

Will have marketing lecture tomorrow.. i think i shall not make it.. maybe i should try for the afternoon shift.. hopefully the irritating admin won't come to disturb again. Shit those who make it happened.. haha..

If i don't get to attend, it's all their fault.. Anyway, i haven't complete my assignment.. Not much point to attend. I've already missed much of my lecture.. and i think i might repeat all again.. haha.

I know i will be ok even though it seems i'm against the odds.. i just know it.. and i really hoped that friends will br alright too.. sort of saddens me to see them it such stituation.

Perhaps time might tell.. perhaps it takes a lifetime to tell.. until then, who knows?

O O again..

I really don't understand.. must one be bad in order to achieve their goals? For all the things done, it shall be taken for granted. For all the things not, it is a desire. Maybe the attraction comes from the desire. But.. i don't really wish to enter that path.. i on't have much more 5 years. For some, i wanted much to forget.. and others, i very much want to remember. I don't really wish to end up with a dinosaur (coz we really almost always end up with someone that we don''t really liked... haha..

Perhaps.. advantage is to be taken... haiz. But then again, nature isn't what that can be changed.. As it goes.. the tiger never change its stripes.. or was it leopard? haha.. kidding... however much i wished for things to happen, i can only wait. And wish.. i've used up my wishes just for that.

Just got back from OO (2 Os.. that means double O lar..)... really kind of high. But really very much want to control.. i know, for one, i must know turn to the dark side based on the excuse that i'm on a high.. and i despise. Advantage shall not be taken of. (actually i don't really control what i'm blogging..) A lot of nonsense.

For all, it shall never be a route of asphalt.. troubles, difficulties and such. I'm willing to endure.. why can't someone? Always knew that giving is more 'painful' than getting.. (assuming getting from a non dino..)Yet, i rather give, for i want the bliss to showers that someone.. I don't ask for regconition.. yet, why must it hurt? Is it just so that there is care? I don't agree in testing (on humans that is.. ), yet the assurance comes from it. But it really hurts.. real deep. Letting go isn't an option.. for i shall be encapsulated once again. Noble as it sounds.. people are 'lettiing go' of people whom they cared.. And the crap that ' as long as you are happy'..

Perhaps i'm really out of control (today).. yet i'm trying to.. for whatever reason that i'm not matured enough.. it really pierces. And for whatever other reason, i really have no choice. Seeing people around me facing problems, it seems i'm not that only one. But i do really wish that bliss shall follow for a few of my friends.. seeing people getting agonised by the lack of bliss, i really don't know how to help.. i'm lacking too.

Seems the whole village uncover the truth.. cept the few whose antenna fell off.. I wish to deny, yet i can't affirm.

Anyway, i've decide to start early on my studies.. i'm really lacking.. yet i lack much more in non- academic stuffs.. when shall it be? When i enter the dark side?

Happy or Sad Birthday?

Ohh.. thought what had happened.. i've missed the important day of my life.. sadness.

A lot of happenings the past few days.. i was too weak to blog.. and to find the roots for my illness.. i don't know where to look.

Was getting ready to mj at BT's house last sunday.. but it rainned very very heavily.. supposed to reach around 1 but ended up 1 hour late. I still got drenched even with an umberella. So sat down and continued the game.. halfway through, i developed a slight fever.. took some medicine and continued till it was time to go for buffet.

Ate a lot.. and a lot.. and think i over ate.. but it used to be perfectly alright.. but i was a bit bloated that day. Went Eski the 'Chill' again.. thought i wasn't going again.. yet i was back. And we played some games where the loser had to stand in the 'freezer' of -4 to -10 degrees for 3 - 5 minutes.. i wasn't the ultimate loser though..

And it rained whole day..

Went to school monday morning late coz as usual overslept.. but was feeling weird. The weather was cold and i was still having a slight fever.. but saw xiao pok pok on the bus at around nine.. haha.. thought i was the lastest late comer at SIM.. but someone could actually par me on this.. Halfway through, ask the wiwis if they wanna Mac for breakfast.. so i reached school around break time just to realise that we are going through tutorial.. as usual, i don't go for tutorial.. so my mission was to somewhat deliver breakfast.. so finding myself rather 'useless', went to SRC room to do some packing up.. Especially the CV stuffs.. coz ml helped in packing the bazaar stuffs.. so i must at least 'repay' some of my debts.. haha.. anyway, i just stuff everything in the welfare cupboard..=X

Went home and felt very tired for not doing anything.. had a "great" dinner coz mom says it is for my birthday.. a "san lao hor fun".. another food to add onto my banned list. Ate and went to bed coz wasn't feeling right..

Halfway through, woke up coz felt uneasy.. till it was morning.. very excited coz it was my birthday.. but was rather worried coz i've developed a fever of 38.5 degrees.. in the end had no choice but to stay at home.. a right choice.. coz i vomitted very heavily.. till it hurts my lungs.. i thought i was pregnant! haha.. kidding.. so when jj asked me how, i told him that it was a girl.. and he says can matchmake his boy.. whahaa..

It was a truly unforgettable birthday.. totally without celebration.. but felt very touched from the smses and msges friends have sent.. haha.. or else i'll be really really sad.. of coz, the best of all.. i got my one and only birthday song that day. ^^

2nd Week

Another week, but nothing much in my life. Wanted the ending to go my way real bad.. but then again.. i lack the courage.

Another fun week though, just that it was as empty. Went to listen to the audition for the Talent Time.. luckily i didn't take part.. haha.. They were real great.. Almost everyone of them. They told me that it was the best of all three days.. haha.. no wonder. Even our senior 'consultant' uncle tat also took part. He sang very well indeed! And i thought there was this 'ma dian'.. haha.. Yupz.. a lot of welfarian took part.. but sad to say, i couldn't go to school everyday.. haha.. and to me, they all are very talented..

Friday - Went to school for 'no reason' except to paint banner for UC.. well.. what to do? haha.. instructions from lady boss.. of coz have to follow, even though shes overseas.. And their banner is very nice! Of coz i also helped in the painting.. (that's why it is nice.. ).. if i'm free.. i'll post it up. Sorry to say, that is the best banner so far.. haha.. SRC room is in a mess now.. lol.. i think they will flip if they sees this..

Home not long ago.. and i really don't understand. Taxi drivers like to talk.. (to me that is).. of coz, it is a way to get 'discounts'.. haha.. i think i will go crazy. Soon. And i sort of missed.

Fun But Empty Weekend

Much more happening weekend. Didn't know what was coming over me.. perhaps i just want to find some other distractions. Slept for two hours after Eski (got up at 5am) before proceeding to Raffles Place for CV. Halfway, it rained. And of coz, i got drenched. What a lousy feeling.. (maybe it was a lousy meeting place?) Anyway, heard from some of the participants that CV this year was fun.. Maybe more interesting. ^^ Of coz, without the excellent leadership of Dy ML and HOW JJ, i guess it won't be a success. Was supposed to have some fun at the "forfeit" station.. but ended up with only 1 group that came.. (thought i was the one being forfeited) So all day, me and JJ had nothing to do except to chat.. and for 3.5 hours before lynette came to join us for the remaining 1.5 hours.. Ar.. No wonder everybody hates being a GM..

CV ended and we went to Bugis for steamboat. The joke of the day on BT and together with "Mindy", we joked about the "same same" and the "but different" for the whole night. Attempted to conqure the "xiao la - ma la" steamboat .. haha.. taste good.. but numb also. After dinner, went to BT's house for Mahjong session.. don't know since when i became a regular.. haha. Thought a lot of them were going.. ended up only the same few.. though i had fun.. but i felt empty.

Slept rather early at 4am while the rest continued.. i was too tired. Woke up the following day to find everybody gone.. haha.. so i slept till 12pm before going lunch with junwei. After that left for home and waited till evening before going to president Don's house for gathering. Supposed to have lots more people.. but too many of them wanted to go "par tor".. so in the end all pang seh.. haha.. i was there.. becoz i had no one to par tor with.. sadness.

Ate quite a bit at Don's place and had fun Mahjong-ing again.. haha.. seems a bit like New year.. haha. Played till late and only reached home at 2am.

So today, skipped class again.. i think i can quit school soon.. actually had stomachache again.. was afraid that history reapeats, so i stayed home to play safe.

POA tomorrow.. will be going.. i thought i enjoyed POA the most.. now i wondered. Still have assignment to do.. Haiz..

Eski-Mo

Went Eski Bar with Wm and vivien today. First time there, but didn't quite like the place. As it goes, it lived up to its name.. really cold haha. and i thought i was in North Pole. But same as Liquid Kitchen, the liquor were quite pricey.. and dilluted also. Thought i was having ice water.. So after two drinks, we changed place. Ended up in a KTV pub.. something like a cross between K Box and Clubbing.. was really impressed.. Beer were rather affortable.. at $24 a jug (compared to some other place). Had some drinking game before our turn to sing.

Was really impressed at how vivien sang.. even though i was a bit tipsy.. we sang "Wu Ding" and we managed to sing the split parts.. some thing that was hard to come by.. really impressed. And that place really gave me a comfortable feeling.

Perhaps i was really stressed at how some things were.. didn't want to say... Yet i wanted to hold on to my beliefs. I know that was it. .but letting go once was my mistake. I can only wait and see..

Really had fun today.. for once i could get away with my troubles.. and for once i wanted to ignore. For the whole vilage thinks that i thinked too much.. I'm just being realistic.. and i find nothing wrong.. people just like to live in the world that revolves around them. But sometimes.. i really need to feign ignorance.. and i will.

Another Rainy Day

How i wish it rains all day. So much i can do in the rain.. Nice cool feeling.. with the sound of raindrops falling.

But rainy days are usually for sad people..

Always wishing upon the stars.. including satallites and planets.. i don't know. It hurts much more.. and it hurts when there is no one to turn to.

And another day it rains, another day i feign.

Decided that some of the things have to deal with some day.. and i guess i had been lazy all these while. Was going to go home after school.. then decided to travel to town with serene. Forgot to give someone the contacts of some of the vendors, so returned back to SRC room. Cleaned up a bit.. coz i really can't stand the mess.. (that was mostly created by me i admit). After i left school, i went to Sentosa to collect my Islander card.. on the way, collecting for some of my friends too. Reached home tired.. and sad..

Another rainy day.. and some people i really appreciate. Yet i can't really turn to them.. another rainy day.. and it rains all day.

SMRT Challenge 05

Forgot to blog .. so had 'back tracked' on what happend yesterday (2nd OCT).

Was SMRT challenge day. Went with Boss JJ and Uncle Boon Tat. Didn't really expect to win.. but $1200 cash prize is very tempting.. haha.. We thought we had the best combination.. haha.. Very confident we were. As a result, we yaya papaya.. right after flag off, most of the teams ran to get their clues. We were the only few to walk there. One of the 2nd last group to move to the trains.. lol..

On the way, lots of happenings.. and no wonder we got 42/52.. = = including some who had withdrawn along the way.. haha. One of our greatest blunders - missing a train stop coz we were happily chatting.. haha.

Really thought we were very 'zai' as we planned our routes very well.. haha.. but still lost in the end. He was right. Think BLOODY TOO MUCH. To win, 1 must 'hiong' all the way.. don't really wish to say this.. but often then not.. this is it.

And i think my skin thickens by a few inches already. Going through all those games, i can say they are far more better in doing this than SRC. One of the stations: Compose a song to the tune of MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB, with a safety message found on the decal of a cab and sing it to the station commander, WITH ACTIONS..... with actions!!??? haha.. in the end, we used some of the actions from SP Dance 05.. whahaa.. my favorite. (as if) I think the station commander also cannot take it.. haha.. too funny i guess..

Anyway, we completed the race.. sportsmanship.. but we got 42. What i really enjoyed was the 'bazaar' after that. Our very own post challenge celebration. Got ML and Serene to join us. I ate a lot.. coz ahem.. the 'Stomach ache' incident the day before cleared my stomach.. haha.. so i had to fill it up again. In total, i ate: 1 beef burger, 1 otah, 1 bowl 'sharks' fin' soup, 1 sugercane drink, 1 large onion rings, 1 regular ice tea and some cakes. .

And i have craving for more food, so i bought 2 more chicken wings to take home.. at home, had yam dessert.. And that concludes my so-called wonderful Sunday. It was fun.. but i was 'fan'.. but i tired my best to be happy..

My Luck Has Gone

Ar.. think i cleared some of my 2 lifetimes of bad karma.. Was at CV reece today (Didn't really know why i attended though i was going to be GM).. So was walking together with them.. eating along the way. As the event isn't over yet, i can't really say what i ate.. but suspected i got 'food poisoning' at home. The stupid fried kwey tiao..

Halfway, wasn't feeling well.. had that same kind of eerie feeling again. The feeling of stomach ache. Almost 2 years, and i have quite forgotten. Was going to camp that morning.. as usual, 74 was packed.. then i suddenly felt giddy.. and almost fainted. Stomach ache as well. Now again.

Couldn't be 'food poisoning'.. seems it won't be so 'mild'. Was it something else? Checked with my parents.. they all had that kind of feeling now and then. It was my 3rd time.. haiz.. almost fainted when i crossed the road.. luckily had someone from CV to help me.. i don't know..

Seems to me..lady luck doesn't shine on me.. why? That master said that i would be 'lucky'. Perhaps it could be worst? Or was it the Tarot that errode my luck? No matter what.. i just don't like the way it is.

Bloody Too Much

Didn't really know what i was blogging yesterday.. haha.. perhaps really wanted somethings to change.. But i guess it won't.

For all that i did.. i don't ask for recognition.. but i'm glad if people notice. And for some.. they did. But for all i didn't, don't question. I had no obligations. The part where people starts to be 'demanding'.. i'll no longer hold.

Another wrong move again.. haha.. wondered why.. the so called 'responsibility'.. i'm always over reacting. Perhaps it really does matter. Perhaps i think bloody too much.. haha.. bloody.. who doesn't think? But mine is bloody too much.. = =

Over!

It's been 10 days.. did a lot more. And a lot did happen. Didn't know why.. lack the motivation to blog.. Perhaps been too busy with a lot of things.. and also had a lot more new games to play.

Finally.. finally the bazaar was over.. 2nd year, but seems i got into a lot more 'trouble'.. i wondered why. I should say, they all did great. Though it wasn't a huge success, i felt very comfortable with the results. And i know a lot of people have been helping us.. i know, and i want to thank. Too many for me to mention.. Thanks a lot!

Next up, UC.. ar.. really didn't know how.. haha..

In times.. i felt a lot.. but i know where i should be.. it seems.. the world knew it too late. Wasn't when it was to be. But i believe it will be.

Too many activities.. and i no longer used to the way i used to blog.. listing all that i did.. i did and i remembered.. and with me, the memories i take.

Disappointment

It seems just like yesterday. Everything is moving at a faster pace.. guess i just used up my vacation. Few things to laugh at, a lot more to ignore. If so, i guess i would be better.

Wasn't in the best of mood these days.. things changed faster than the speed of light. In all, no one cares who dies.. so long as they live. And me.. i had no one to turn to.. and those who understands.. i don't know. All seems like a dream.. and i began to wonder, when is right and when is wrong.. i.. i don't want to give concessions to anyone, anymore. If so, i rather not.

Seems like its best to take advantage.. and the best defence is offence. Aggression.. and never to concede again. For everything, it shall be. Disappointment..

First Day

Oh great... first day of school and a mosquitoe woke me up at this hour.. argh! Irritating.

Now i know this sad existence of my blog.

The End Of Bliss?

Lots of courage.. and perhaps some ignorance. And maybe a bit of encouragement.. Or maybe just waiting for the moment to remember. Embarked on a journey to search for happiness.. and with it comes the expected saddness. Only till then.. that one shall cherish. Does it only apply to things that are lost? I don't know.. i'm still learning. The self-confidence that i once had was broken. But not the hope that i hold. I know what i'm looking for.. and i'll hold on.

It isn't blind faith.. yet it wasn't calculated. Just a sort of feeling.. And when that was right, bliss shall follow. Sure isn't for the sake of convinence.. nor does it fulfill the task of a supplement. Just that and it will be that.

Yet it isn't the case of i want, i get. I can be what i want to be.. i can hold till the end of time. But there must be a reason.. a reason that was derived. And it shall be my motivation..

Not empty promises.. just something yet to realised. I shall wait for the bliss to refill.. and to better myself.

无能为力

无能为力

歌手：张敬轩

醒了我却还是闭着眼睛
只有这样才能留住梦境
还看见我最爱的眼睛
还有你偷偷亲吻我的情景

醒了我都不会挣开眼睛
是怕泪水慢慢吞噬心情
原以为我们有了约定
就能够听见朋友祝福的声音

还来不及和你和你在一起
数着天空里坠落的星星
你已经离我而去
爱没有继续
原来我根本不是你的唯一

我紧闭双眼摒住呼吸
根本就不敢在夜里想你
谁知道在白天遇见了你
看见你新的唯一靠在你怀里

我留给眼泪不能呼吸
我无法面对最后这个结局
曾经我们有过无数话题
爱到最后我们对爱竟会无能为

还来不及和你和你在一起
记住属于你的一点一滴
你已经离我而去爱没有继续
原来我根本不是你的唯一

Nice song with nice lyrics.

Found purpose to blog.. maybe.. maybe i shall revamp my blog.. maybe should change the song.. perhaps something sadder.

For All That Was Missed

Too much to blog.. coz was really wondering what was the purpose of blogging..

SRC:
27th Aug - Was at the 1st official Welfare Department outing.. actully reached a day earlier to play mj with Karen, Jasmine, Ml and JJ.. but it turned out.. was really a bad experience. Not with the people, but with myself. Had too much.. way beyond my capabilities.. Definately i could refuse. I know yet i carried on. Perhaps still immature in my thinking. And thankfully for Karen, Jasmine and Ml.. or i wouldn't know what.

Went to work on the following day, tired but a promise kept.. but then.. saw 2 other promoters from our company.. haha.. and i knew it was time for me to 'get lost'... actually we were all 'fighting' to go home.. seriously, no one wanted to work.. haha.. but in the end i won. So went back to the chalet.. got changed, and got dunked and dipped 22 times in the sea. (Hey.. i not the 9 pcs nuggets ok? Even if so, no one would dip it so many times lor.. ) Not really irritated.. coz in the name of fun.. haha.. but i juz don't like the feeling of having sand in my pocket.

Ran around like i'm still very young.. haha.. till Witizens arrived. President of the Wi-Wong-Wong Club is also there.. haha.. those are the nonsense we all had to keep life interesting in school. (Perhaps a bit childish.. haha..) Thought of going home.. but then again.. it wasn't always easy to meet up. So ended up in BT's house for mj sesson again. Didn't win coz BT is really good at guarding.. haha.. and i had no luck. Play some games on his PS.. and i liked one of the games.. sort of like monopoly, yet was far more interesting.. So didn't sleep for 2 days.. tired, but was really happy.

Bazaar:
Not really glad.. time was too short.. and things were rather messy and unorganised. And i really don't know why.. i wasn't the one doing it.. yet..

On the bright side, the comm was really great. Very efficient.. till i didn't have the time to react. Was that type who always wait for the last second.. haiz.. Preparations still in progress.. i shall leave my comments till then.

Work:
3rd Sept - thought it was my last day of work.. but then, my 'contract' was extended.. seriously, i needed the money.. reason being i no longer took allowance from my parents nowadays.. and i hoped i could continue that way.. but SRC seems to take up too much of my time.. and i had to pay for part of the school fees too.. haiz.. 'thankfully', my sales manager asked me to work another 2 days.. for less than a hundred dollars.

School:
Got results.. not really sad coz i've expected.. but wasn't too happy also. Juz passed for most of the subjects.. nothing to celebrate. Looking at others results, they are much better. Juz because we played too much.. and slack too much. Character or peer influence? I dared not conclude. one thing for sure, i rather give up results for the memories and jokes. Rarely do you get the chance to laugh at something. Joke of the year goes to 'small black'... haha.. Well.. what to do? Just have to work double hard.. and maybe play double hard.. i will get this round back.

Bands:
3 bands.. of which, all 3 are inactive. Me that is. I still liked the noname jamming band... haha.. but becoz of work commitments, couldn't make time for it. Was the comm for SWE horn section.. ( i think they really ran out of players.. ) Still waiting for the right time to return.. WSS alumni too.. 5 more days.. and i shall be free. Vengence.. hahaa.. not really.. juz wanted to get back at lost time.

So much for all that was missed.. though i ommitted more.. but i guess i'll juz blog on.

A Promise

I find myself more and more lazy to blog.. maybe just don't want people to know that much..

Was at Bazaar 2005 meeting today. Everything seems alright.. morale was high.. and those in the positions were right.. hopefully. Very confident it seems, and hopefully it'll be the first honour for Welfare department.. i certaintly hope so.. And the theme - Enchanted Gardens!.. haha.. very well done.. personally i like it. Well.. all the best to them.

After that continued through BBQ meeting.. seem a bit messy.. haha.. maybe coz the event will be just a week after MGM. But i'll be there rather late.. again. Will be my last uncommitted SRC event. I'll give up my income.. all for this. It's a promise i gave.

Still Learning

5am - just got home.. tired. Met up with wm.. seems to be in a rather bad shape.. Maybe i was wrong about him after all.. Encountered some problems.. and had to meet up for 'problem sloving'.. or rather.. maybe just someone to vent..Had it was cleared up, at least for now.

Made me realised a lot more.. and thinking through.. seems that the kite theory still stands. A relationship is just like flying a kite.. had to choose the right kite, had to choose a suitable string. Not only that, the technique of flying one is also very important.. can't pull too tight- it'll break, can't let too much - it'll fall. The equillibrium point.

I've been experiencing through quite a bit.. being posted to TSC was like another training ground for me. Lines were redrawn again, and i had to adapt to it fast. Just yesterday, was scolded for a fault.. made me damn moody.. haha.. but thankfully, the pit was there for me to wallow.. ^^ Also, gave some numbers for toto to some of the promoters there.. and they really won some money.. so they gave me $5 for me to have my lunch.. (but i wanna have nuggets meal which costs $5.95.. hahaha.. kidding) Anyway it wasn't me .. was their own good luck for asking.. I really don't deserve it.. Was really bored.. did some stunts at the selling floor.. haha.. time was too slow..

After work went to meet up with the welfarians.. they were having CV meeting at marche .. so i went to have my dinner.. haha.. it was.. GREAT! And then they talked about JB trip.. but i really feel like going to cruise.. =(

Had to sleep soon.. Witizens outing tomorrow.. left two wiwis.. haha.. rest all not free coz of work commitments. I truly understands.. haha.. So no worries.. i'll help them finish their share!

Resigned

Almost a month.. and i find myself more vulnerable by the day. But i'm really glad that it wasn't lost.. perhaps it wasn't up to me anymore. Was too much involved that i've lost myself over and over again..

24 hours a day isn't enough.. had to allocate time for work, school, SRC, and also friends.. but i need the income.. and i also need the experience.. maybe time for me to move on? Maybe to fufill the mandate? Regretted for being ignorant till now.. i have lots more to learn.. and might be too old for it. Will resign from work soon.. told my manager and will officially stop working after the 1st week of Sept. Bazaar is round the corner.. giving my work commitments.. i really can't handle.. what to do? Realised it too late.

Nowadays.. find it very uncomfortable to look at people.. especially after the SRC interview.. everyone seems to give me that look that i'm supposed to recognise them.. not that i don't want to.. but please.. there are 160+ of them lor.. = = Especially at town area.. today i saw a group of freshies... haha. and they gave me that same look.. i turned away at first.. but later waved to them.. i don't know if they're even from SIM or not.. hahahaa.

Blog-less

Getting busy nowadays.. hardly find the time to blog.. maybe just excuses? Or maybe i'm really satisfied with the way things are such that i ponder less? 5 years is indeed long..

Just discussed some 'serious' matter with Elyse a day ago.. and actually made me realised a lot. So i asked her 1 typical 'TYS' Question: What's the difference between like and love? I was really impressed with the reply.. Don't think i want to publish it here.. must let the rest of the world think it through..

So the past week, did a lot of SRC things.. interview, BBQ, and a lot more.. very very tired too.. a lot to blog.. but think i forgot a lot too.. Anyway, events are rather boring.. haha..

Waiting for hair to dry.. nothing else so take some time to blog.. haha.. Finally the list of 'freggies' for Welfare Dept is out! Of coz.. due to the 'overwhelming' response, we had to reject some.. mostly due to their work commitments.. hmm.. ( i'm also having a lot of work commitments.. maybe a bit too much?).. i don't know.. seems that i'm very greedy.. haiz.

Anyway, time to sleep.. got to go for POA class later.. argh! Just 3 hours of sleeping time..

What Is It?

Kind of enjoyed bus rides these days... time for me to ponder..

I still can't get it.. really don't understand some things.. Losing control of myself it seems, and more vulnerable. Maybe i bothered too much? All things seems so familiar to me.. my inherent flaws..

Yet there was such comfort in these times.. and i know, one will get addicted.. and slowly be oblivious. Never was i so decisive.. yet..

Some things are just waiting to be answered.

The Bliss

The Bliss..

Time to go for interview and work again.. and maybe u all can see me in TSC in the near future.. =)

I Want..

Kind of difficult to describe my feelings.. a type of irony. I wasn't lost this time.. i knew what i want and my want, i fought. Yet.. this wasn't what i want, i would. I could and i did, but then again.. In the end.. i wasn't lost, just refusing to give up.. coz this was what i wanted.

And Then..

FOC: I shall leave it as it is.. Nothing to be proud of.. haha..

After clearing lockers.. went clubbing to 'celebrate' the end of FOC. In my opinion, it is something worth celebrating.. haha.. especially the END of such.. wahaha..

So think i went too far.. had a bit too much (as usual again..) The worst ever i think.. Cheers with too many people i think.. haha.. I wasn't drunk.. just a bit too high.. and then, it was that. Actually i knew myself too well..

Found comfort.. yet it was just like a dream.. who knows what lies ahead?

For whatever, i thought i was too smart.. someone was smarter.. and maybe antenna too long.. For my moves were almost always anticipated..

A change in me since.. and i wondered why.. such were the things felt. I didn't know.. but i didnt want to not know. Knew something was very wrong.. and slowly it began... till it was consuming me day and night..

For a while.. tried to convince myself that it was my antenna that was too sensitive.. but it was working alright. Perhaps the greatest mistake was to ignore it.. till now.

Can you Celebrate?

Can you celebrate? ... Muahhahaa.. Whatever the outcome, its all over!.. Think that's the most "ping ping pong pong" camp i've been to.. hahaa..

Intended to update my blog.. but got to go school to clear lockers.. haha..

And If It Could Stay This Way..

Friday- After 3 days of K-ing.. i think i ran out of songs to sing.. haha.. A day to work, final preparations for FOC. It started at 9am.. and then ended at 7pm... i'm really very tired.. but then again..

It was tiring.. but we had fun.. or maybe i had fun? Haha.. bascially talking a lot of nonsense (as usual) and trying to work at the same time.. counting through.. i don't think i've achieve much today..

1.I've painted part of the sign for the First-Aid point.. (though started it with white glue instead of white paint at first.. = =)

2.Wrapped the water point sign.

3.Went "shopping" with the excos.

4.Played 2 rounds of pool.

It was rather fun today.. haha.. actually the excos are fun to be with.. lol.. hopefully, this unity will bring success to FOC.. Though i really did very little in the planning stage for FOC.. i'll give my best for Bazaar.. It shall not be manipulate by E from the top again!.. Let the freshies do.. and i will give them my fullest support. With the ex-bazaar committee.. i'm sure we can make this the best ever.

And today, i got my name card from SIM!.. haha.. not really impressive though.. but juz fun to get it.. and we again were joking around of what to do with it.. lol..

Left SRC room at 7pm plus.. and meeting the witizens to 'shop' for an 'identity' for their OGs.. and after much discussion, they got what they wanted. Not wanting to go home.. end up nua-ing.. a tiring day, but a great one.

Rain..

There is no secret here.. if you get what i mean. Things i wrote are things i felt. Just that it might be written in a implicit manner... Its now rainning.. was suppose to meet the welfare excos to break some lockers.. haha.. so while waitiing for the rain to stop..

FOC trial run:
What can i say? I just hoped that everyone would buck up for the actual day.. the rest isn't that important. Just that again, quite disappointed at how some OGLs and GMs portrays themselves. Not really keen i guess. And i can understand.. it is stupid. And if it was that stupid... there are lots of things i pondered. Maybe the freshies are the only drive. Actually from the beginning of last year, i had already felt it.. just that i couldn't care more.. haha.. but i still think that the important part is peer's pressure and also the amount of influence they exercise.. Nevertheless, i still felt grateful for their participation.. and i know that they will be the best choice for this FOC..

So then i pondered more.. and then i stopped. Found some cracks.. and tried to ignore. I hoped that it would go away.. and i know it would. Rain won't be stopping soon..

Wrong Again

Ok.. been quite a while since i last blogged. Wanted very much to leave the details out.. coz i thought that memories are rather scary..

10th July, Sunday :
YCF 2nd performance for HQ2.. was MIA for the 1st performance coz of SRC commitments. Didn't know that they have actually changed the pieces they are playing.. and then i screwed up the show.. = = Of coz.. 'lost touch' with the instrument.

Hoped that maybe if i didn't see, i wouldn't think. Or maybe because i thought of, thats why i saw.. Anyway, i saw her.. and then.. she ignored. Wasn't really keen in letting my presence felt, yet maybe running away is the better option. Difficulties or not, it really hurts to see that.

So actually i've decided.. to stay away from the band as much as i could. Hopefully i could. But still i can't figure the rationale behind.. and when i got over and learn to be, the opposite happens..

11th July, Monday :
Was getting ready to go to work when my manager suddenly smsed me. Even they know how to play 'pang seh'.. so she gave me 'off' on that day. If i was still in the army, i would love it.. haha.. So ended up going back to SRC. Still the same.. haha..

12th July, Tuesday :
FOD day 1 - lousy weather.. alternating between rain and shine.. if i am the freshies there, i would kill all the excos.. haha.. kidding. This time round, the number of people turned out to be less.. 240 out of the intended 500.. less than half of expected... so we all did double job.. well.. better to prepare more than less.. i guess.

13th July, Wednesday :
FOD day 2 - A fine day!.. though it started with rain.. nice weather to sleep though. And don't know why.. can actually felt it from the beginning.. so was on a high that day.. haha.. had fun.. except for one part - the 'leave no man behind' part.. Was keeping the PA system after the end of the 'show' and then most of them started to 'move it'.. haha.. so when i came out, only D was left behind.. and the most important thing is.. she was stuck... all alone.. so she pulled me along.. haha.. actually wanted very much to join in the fun at the Atrium.. but on accout of a fellow warlords and Exco, i stayed. In the end we got help by another exco.. and i begin to wonder.. then i stopped. So together with another staff, we each push a barrel all the way from NP to SIM.. very tiring.. and i was damn pissed.. i guess we should change to 'leave no shit behind'... However my grievances, it was quickly lost.. had to keep my faith in these people.. finding excuses for them.. if not, all would be lost. Well.. at least E recognises what D had done..

Last minute trip to Sentosa after FOD... and then many problems surfaced. Maybe think too much? Yet not thinking might ruin the whole effort.. so maybe we should think a bit.

Maybe i thought too much.. haha.. so while walking, i knocked my head against a tree branch.. hahaa..

Overall a satisfying result for the past two days.. all thanks to the members of SRC and other clubs. Oh ya.. it was wrong again.. haha.. i guess maybe forever....

It Was Wrong.. Wrong!

Another cycle. Another end. Too much that i failed to understand. And certain things come with age. No wonder the changes. Reliance will not work. Think i'll have to find the point somehow.

I don't think helping people will do much to anyone except those at the receiving end. This world is damn sad lor.. haha.. you can risk everything you have, yet in the end be disappointed by the same person. No one is at fault. This world is just damn sad. I don't know. Is there trust anymore?

Seems like getting older isn't something worth celebrating. People do things that are ONLY benifitial to them. This is obvious. Self-centered. Everything beings with I. And this is how it was at CP. Especially between promoters. Alliances and all.. all in the name of I. The only people who thinks this world is round are the people who haven't see that this world is actually damn sad. Maybe they are the lucky ones...We all can continue to be hypocrites... have many masks. Now i remember during my secondary school days, my English teacher actually taught us to write something about why people wear masks. At then, i failed to see.. Now i know her intention. My world is no longer round.

Yet, not all are like that. Good people still exists... but are like endangered animals. The continuation of contamination will bring the end to this round world. Even till then, there is something that can salvage.. that is.. money. Because money makes the world goes round!.. Damn realistic..

The capitalist ideal. The motive for economics. Now i see why they want to put an end to all these. Yet, there is no other more efficient alternatives. This is where economics is put to use. We can't have the more of one thing without giving up another.

Anyway, enough of my crap... time to write something fun.. or i thought so.

SRC FOD briefing today. Because the world is sad, people come as late as they pleased. Totally no responsibility. (that includes myself too.) And then you wondered why they can get to work on time. (Because money makes the world goes round!) Actually not only this.. SWE too.. actually i think everywhere. And because of the breach in trust, those that came on time soon starts to follow.. and slowing being contaminated.. haha... and then all the crap starts again la..

So i went early to school to learn the SP dance.. haha.. and i had a great time laughing at the dance steps.. haha.. i thought it was really very funny.. but actually it looks quite good with all dancing in unison.. haha.. i was wrong i guess. But one think that i find quite sad.. that is, i don't want to do demo for the freshies!.. hahaa... malu lor...

Then it was time to do the FOD banner after the briefing.. was supposed to go for performance today at Toa payoh Sports complex this evening.. but SRC is also important.. Halfway, i was called. And it was wrong. And then i realised, the distance was already really too far..

Missed the show today.. yet nothing happened. The broken link.. I can be non-chalant.. i can be what i want to be.. coz my world is no longer round.

The Same Old Thing Again..

Sentosa trip for FOC on monday. And as usual, everyone was late. Supposed to meet at 1pm.. so waited till 1.40pm before going off. Was not being early.. so i took a cab to habour front. And i thought i was going to be late! Appears that i was the 1st to reach sentosa... what a wasted trip. Think even if i take a bus there i would be early.. what the...

Anyway, walked a lot.. i mean really a lot.. SP walk, Treasure hunt and all that.. but i think this time round its easier.. coz i missed the previous meeting where they 'combed' to look for a suitable path..

i've given my 2 off days to SRC... lol.. and tomorrow will start work again... kind of sick.. haha.. the pay isn't high.. and i've got no sales these days.. wondered what is happening.. maybe they have bought all the things they want? think i going to 'tio pok' sooner or later...

Went NDC today... they've got a new trainee there.. very blur 1.. haha.. and for the 1st time i saw my dentist 'play rank' wor.. haha.. anyway, 2 more appointments and i can take down my braces.. whahaaa.. that will be in 2 months' time..

At least have something to look forward to.. definately not this weekend.. having reservations.. i won't be going for the saturday's performance.. hopefully SRC side can drag till late evening.. but come sunday.. i have to be there... and i dread it.

What Do You Expect?

Finally it came.. the 1st show for YCF 2005 (HQ1) at EXPO.. had to juggle my time between work, SRC and SWE.. It sure put a lot of stress on me.. but then.. i might not be going back after this event. The sole motivation.. i had to let go. Might as well. Saves me from lots more trouble.

For the performance.. i should say it was a far cry from standard. But we had fun anyway. What to expect? I just went for 2 practices. For people going in to "pick bones from eggs", i think they can find the whole skeleton of a dinosaur.. BUT I DON'T CARE!

This time round, my faith have been strengthened.. but i still don't like the way they do things... as i've said.. i shall be gone.

What Do You Not Want?

"Are we less then friends? "

"I just want to ask.... can we still be friends?"

"If it could lead to something that serious.. perhaps, i wish things didn't have to happen in the first place.."

"If that is the case... maybe i should go. But i was no longer there."

"If that's what you think will work for us."

"If you shall cry.. i'll still be there. As a friend. Thats all i ask for."

Ask.. With A Reason

Was at YCF rehearsal this morning.. slept at 2 plus last night and woke up at 7. Was real tired.. and i thought it was going to be fun.. fun in the sense that i met lots of colleagues that were there during WMC 2001. Four years on.. we have all grown older.. and lousier.. haha.. 2005 WMC.. SWE no longer is capable of doing it.. and also, they said it'll be a drain on SSA's resouces.. in order to give others the chance.. we forfeited.. and we collasped.

So it was a sort of 'gathering'... none improved much.. and a lot more new faces.. particually the clarinet section... all full of 'kids'... and then the band shrunk in size.. but we got a very devoted conducter.. too bad none can commit.

And then the rehearsal.. i think i might as well stay home and sleep.. warm and boring.. full of i don't know what to say.. and then took so much time to talk... and i have to rush to work after that... the scary part is.. i don't know how come they like to make people do all sorts of funny things.. seriously, i don't enjoy it at all. And they thought they bond people in that way.. what were they thinking? Maybe i'm too individualistic.. haha.. they don't suit me.

At the selling floor: 7 hours and 55 minitues waiting.. just for that 5 minitues of sales.. might be a single sale.. yet it can determine success or failure. So today i waited till it was 5 minitues before i was off duty.. then the customer came. Whoa.. 1 single sale - over 1.4k worth. Haha.. it could be more.. but i lack the stocks... not my fault. The finger pointing works well if you point at someone else first. And believe.. everyone does it to protect themselves..

And then i was given off tomorrow.. what the? Suddenly i got nothing to do... What to do? think i can make ice kachang with the ice mountains ...

Can It Be Worse?

I guess all bad things happen together.. so that it'll be significant. 15 mins late for work today.. Saturday with GSS.. and still i get no sales. Heard that my manager intend to reduce pay.. and much more. This is bad... real bad. On the way to Bedok.. and yet they said the plan was changed.. and i had to make a detour.... today is not my day.. or rather.. June is not my month. Really fed up with a lot of things...

And don't know why i ended up in Liquid again.. and didn't intend to drink.. and yet it happened.

Can't think well now i guess... might as well go to sleep...

Just Let Me Know....

Life seems so full of happenenings.. and it all happened on me! Not something to celebrate though. Can't even say how bad it'll go.. it seems the peak was over again. What could i ask for? Was actually very lucky to have that much. Yet wasn't the type to hold on and to strive for. In fact, things were often done halfway. Maybe i might end halfway someday...

Had too much to cope with.. and i can't adjust my time to everyone. And not everyone can adjust to me. YCF performance coming up soon... and i haven't even attend one practice.. And SRC too.. Was my off day.. yet couldn't help out coz i was sick. (again).. Had been very prone to illness these few years.. wondered what was wrong with me.. wanted to lead a better life.. yet..

Maybe i should let go.. let go of whatever that is bothering me so much...

My day was with mixed feelings. Was tabbing ' 倒带' for the bass part. No feat though.. anyone could do it.. but it needed to be ready.. coz we might be playing it soon. So listened to it for a lot of times.. both versions - Jay's and Jolin's. But i peferred Jay's version. Knew that the lyrics were kind of destructive.. no choice but to listen.

倒带

作词：方文山 作曲：周杰伦

我受够了等待 你所谓的安排
到底多久 多久才来
你总是要我乖 慢慢计划将来
我想依赖却你 都不在

应该开心的地带 你给的全是空白
一个人假日发呆找不到人陪我看海
我想你应该明白 却一直都进不来
你所给我的伤害 我是真的很难释怀

你总是要我乖 慢慢计划将来
说的未来到底多久才来
过去怎麼安排 你该给的信赖
我的眼泪却一直掉下来

从我脸上的苍白 看到记忆慢下来
过去甜蜜在倒带 只是感觉已经不在
过去你给的期待 被我一次次摔坏
已经碎成太多块 要怎麼拼凑跟重来

终於看开爱回不来
我们面前太多阻碍
你的手却放不开
哭著求我留下来

终於看开爱回不来
我们面前太多阻碍
你的手却放不开
宁愿没出息求我别离开

Nice song with great lyrics.. and that feeling... Actually didn't quite notice it.. but a few other songs were just as agonizing on the heart. '瓦解' and '搁浅'. The title alone suggests that something was very tormenting..

Was asked to attend NYP/NTU today.. (as an audience).. and as expected, saw her there. Didn't want to look for her, yet, she came next to my seat. Was looking for someone though.. but i thought it would be impolite not to greet someone i knew.. Yet, was disappointed with the reply. Guess it was my turn.. something i owed her during my concert 4 years ago. Same situation, we were perparing for WMC. And so, the same response. Not too sad i guess.. only disappointed.. From friends to strangers.. what next?

I just don't know.

Purple Light??

Milestone yesterday. Sold the 'most expensive' item on my list - a $1099 bedlinen set. Achievement.. yeah!.. Sold another 1k (2 sets of bedlinen) today.. hahaha.. i think i can smell my incentive coming. maybe give me a pay rise?

But still not being very very happy.. Problems problems.. haha..

Went Wss Bandcamp last night till late.. coz i got nothing to do on saturdays. Same thing happened again.. Wondered why the world is ruled by military dictatiorship.. haha... maybe some people are too deprived of the freedom they once had.. or are they too afraid to let go of their authority? This is the exact case during Famine Camp at Ngee Ann... so.. i guess they actually enjoyed being in the army... haha.. of coz i don't.

Having attitude problems again. Well... only to those that don't deserve respect. (permenant) Those without chose to be humble.. some chose to show whatever they don't posses.. and it really makes me wanna puke. Imagine under someone like that... arh...wanted to rebel.. yet had to 'give face'. In terms of seniority, i should show some respect. And i did. Also to show character.. not to give the present band members a bad impression of the Alumni. So decided to help up till it was time to go.

So i reached home around 3 plus last night after chilling out with wm and some of the 'juniors'..

Finally a 'peaceful resolution' for SRC and work.. i don't know whether this will work.. i do hope so.. but at least i tried.

And then the mountain freezes even more. Someone's climbing.. i'm not!.. and i don't have the intention to climb.. i'm not even at the base camp waiting.. and yet i was frozen. Perhaps its better this way. I will reciprocate.

2 more days of work before my off day.. haha.. decided to work hard for the newly formed band. Felt really bad for creating the 'mess' somehow.. but for now, we'll be practicing on our own.. till we get better.. and i will work for it.

Why Am I Responsible?

Argh!... how come me again? Nothing to be happy about really... maybe i was too weak.. haiz.. not really that great huh...

Got to work tomorrow.. haiz.

SRC meeting/FOC/FOD... haiz.

SWE/WSS band practices... haiz.

Arthiritis... haiz.. HAIZ~!

Sometimes i really wondered.. why to live such a long life with all the problems we faced? Some are temporary.. yet, some follow us through our lives.. hindering us. Wondered was it really bad karma? Yet, this all are still early. Who knows what will happen next? The future is so unpredictable. And sometimes i really felt too tired to move on.

And then there are those that are parallel. If everything goes well.. i could be happier. And if not, i wouldn't be sad. Responsibility is a burden - my Lord of the Rings.

Well Done

Came back from liquid kitchen.. wasn't planning to spend that much.. yet, tomorrow was my off day.. so had to enjoy a bit. Think i had too much.. haha.. couldn't hold it well..

Can't work that much due to commitments.. might as well.. no grudges. Haha.. was my responsibility anyway.. think was too childish intitially.. anyway, hopefull i can meet the requirements of both side. Actuall there are more. Wss alumni, SWE, SRC, and the noob band.. plus work.. haha.. think i'm going to explode.

So sales were pretty good.. 5.8k of sales after less.. lol.. but my incentive had to be forfeited. No choice. Can't work full... so yesterday, they found a replacement to rotate.. sad.. haha.. but other promoters thought it was my last day there.. haha.. kind of aimless after working less... less income.. and more time to slack. But with FOD and FOC around, think i won't be lost.. haha.

Felt really bad leaving the rest of the excos to handle the tasks.. and i admit i do have attitude problem.. But it'll be unfair to them if this goes on. But this is a realist world.. haha.. i could quit if i want to.. lol .... not that i haven't tried before. Was the exco in my band during secondary school days as well.. haha.. and i also quit my post. But i wouldn't do that here... older and will be able to think better. Room for a win win stituation. But nix was right.. haha.. had to fight for oneself.

Yet, it had to be balanced.. the line is too vague.. and sometimes, over aggressive might jeapordize relations. Over passive will invite e-99 (eat gao gao).. haha.. the Achilles' heel. You might give to someone.. and yet be stabbed by the same person.. but, give it anyway. Trust is something that makes us different from the other animals.

I really don't know.. the route seems ambiguous. But i won't attempt just for the sake of doing. The intention must be there.. if not, theres no difference from poseurs.

I think i'll 'tio pok' soon. haha..

Should I Be Happier?

Not sure whether to be happy or not. Sales were great today.. a total of $1.8k worth of bedlinen sold. Great to serve customers who really treat you as a person. They are rich.. they bought things that cost a few hundreds.. and their receipt could well be over 1k.. yet, they don't put on that arrogrant look. They respected me.. and i reciprocate. I mean... how many customers really cared who you are? Promoter, cashier, supervisor or even manager? Anyone at the cashier is assumed to process the merchandize. Not to mention to address them by your name.. was shocked... but it really gave me that pride to serve even better.

And not one but two on the same day.. and that i convinced, they are really rich. Not poseur who tries to find fault with anyone.. so i offered to help to carry the bags to the carpark. (an opportunity to slack..) And i was tipped by the customer.. just for carrying the bags.. it was a requirement to help anyway.. and i don't expect any return. So it made my day.. together with the sales from my counter.

Yet, that didn't last.

Was really puzzled about some things..they say i think too much. i think they think more.. if not how they know i think too much?.. and really.. sometimes i didn't think at all.. and intention was speculated. No intention at all.. must there be any reason for doing something? I hate to be a monkey (don't pay me peanuts), and i hated to be a donkey more. Carrot game isn't fun at all.

Ya.. i think too much.

Maybe shall think of how to get more sales tomorrow.

Day:3, Sales:1

Finally.. got my first sales. A king size fitted sheet and 2 oxford pillow case.. haha.. should be above $400 i think.. and i also sold 2 sets of bedliners, 1 fitted sheet, 1 quilt cover, (for other counters = =) 3 floor mats and 2 'pictured' frame.. lol... end up translating the chinese words there.. luckily i still got 'two pair of brushes'.. if not i think the ang mor will come back for me. LOL.. and i will know why.. $98 for 1 of that.. = = Anyway i think i can part time the staff there.. and they can pay me for being the directory. I guess all who worked as a promoter will know.

But still ended up being scolded by customers and all. Was at the cashier there speaking to someone on the phone. Then one ang mor wanted to pay.. and don't know why.. the staffs always will dissapper at the crucial moment. And then i got scolded by him for being 'impolite'.. wanted to say, "HELLO... READ MY TAG: IT SAYS PROMOTER.. NOT CASHIER". Some people are just unreasonable.

And today isn't a good day either.. the promoter beside went off just after my first day.. sort of miss her.. whahaa.. coz she was my '1st' friend there.. LOL. And i got warned by the supervisor again.. my hair was too long.. argh! Am i in the army or what? What a bad day...

Yesterday was better.. met yun tun for lunch and on the way back, met xuefen on the bus.. haha.. so 'qiao' huh... she lived just beside my block so we had dinner together. But today... haha.. had lunch alone.. and my lunch was at 5.10 pm!.. worked until i really forgot to take lunch.. haha..

Anyway, still got lots to learn.. and i'm glad there are promoters from other counters who are willing to guide me along.. must say thanks!.. haha.. But too bad.. had to miss the sentosa trip with the EXCOs tomorrow.. and also the camp breifing on the following Monday.. haiz.

Deep Sheet

First day of work yesterday. Same as everywhere: politics. Guess it was too boring for us.. haha.. 8 hours. End up talking to other promoters.. and was caught by the supervisor. Haha.. we were the 'newbies' there.. and then she asked us to split up.. And it bored me to the max. No customers at my counter.. reason being i was too ugly. The other reason was: king sized quilt cover - $400+... hahaha.. the ah xia and tai tai type of stuffs.. ah soh and ah pek all touch touch, see price tag then tio chua. Anyway, i end up promoting for other stuffs, notably the table cloths beside.

Guess it was better then being expoilted. No commission, but with a bonus.. So went for a 'crash course' yesterday coz the 'auntie' was quiting. "tuo li ku hai" she said. That means i'm in the ku hai already. Haha.. The other promoters my age were kind.. and the all those auntie type a bit erm.. Reminds me of PL days.. had to learn so much about the products. Thread count, cotton sateen flat sheet, fitted sheet.. and then i'm in deep shit.

This is workable.. at least my pay is slightly higher than others.. a contradiction to the sales of product. But will be working 6 day week, from noon till night. So will be forgoing band and src. Opportunity Cost.

The Pasture Over THERE

I thought it was gone, but it was on.. haha.. so tomorrow i'll be working .. and then... suddenly i dread it. Well, it happens all the time.. haha.. during secondary school days, i wanted so much to work.. and now.. i think i prefer to study. No matter which, the pasture is ALWAYS greener on the other side. So that time was single, and wanted to 'double'.. but then find that single is better.. haha.. and then the cycle goes on. But had to make much changes to my schedule. Mostly SRC and band commitments.. of coz my own outings are also jeopardized.

Ok.. so it wasn't that great to wish for a job... not at this moment. Still want to go Sentosa with the excos.. and of coz own Welfare department outing. And gatherings of the Witizens and Warlords. all begins with W..

So went SRC FOC/FOD meeting.. and things aren't moving.. i mean, if things were meant to happen, they would. No matter what you do or not do, they will if they want to. Something i've learnt during Bazaar. So.. let it be, let it be.. anyway, can feel their disappointment at the way things are happening. Yet, i think they all did a great job. At least we are united. Next on the list: Sentosa on Friday. Think i'm going to miss this.. why suddenly when i least expect it?

i don't know.. things are always like that.. and for some reason, my antenna failed me. Great then.. haha.. so i can happy go lucky. Argh! Promoter.. of bed liner somemore.. haha.. give me a break!

Suntanned

Went Sentosa on Friday with the excos.. thought was supposed to check up the camp site plus plan some games.. end up we ourselves were playing. Was rather hot that day.. and hence got 'burned'.. maybe didn't exercise for too long, now having aches all over.. and think i gonna limp for a while now.. sian.. was getting from bad to worst since the welfare department outing.. don't ever ask me to go on the massage rocks again. Never.

So we played frisbee (found this on the way from the campsite to siloso beach).. and of coz, beach volleyball. Tried out another few games such as Dodge ball and of of a few 'wet weather' programmes. (though the sun was burning hot) Skipped lunch on the way.. maybe the food at Sentosa was too expensive, so we left at 3 plus to have lunch at habour front. Talked about slippers.. haha.. slippers.. ya.. and i got blisters wearing slippers..

So went back 5 plus, bathed and then out for band pract again. Then left early during band pract to have a 'meeting'. Was supposed to be at liquid kitchen, but was broke since i've quit.. haha.. so end up going to wm's house instead. Met the 'guitarist' for the second time.. haha. i think this time everyone is 'serious' i wonder how it will be.. 'poseur'? whahaa.. ya.. i think so. Maybe name the band this.. whahaa.. it suits us all. A drummer who is a tbone/tpt player, a guitarist who is a tpt player, and a bassist who is a horn/tpt player.. wahhaaa... wannabes. Anyway, everyone starts off the same way.. who is born that way? haha.. Time is important.. but talent is the key.

Ok.. all job applications were turned down.. haha.. left a factory job.. and maybe i should help out at the village. And to think they only want 'aunties' as their promoter.. what the... - - But stituation doesn't allow me to work.. too many things to do. 3 bands, 2 SRC major events.. where can i find the time.

Will be in Boonlay tomorrow for band pract.. again. Its always that far.. haiz. And my horn.. i think it had 'rusted'.. hahaha.. thinking of selling my tpt.. in need of cash.. wondered why i bought all these last time.. think i'm crazy.. and maybe i'll regret the bass too. Haha.. but not now i guess.

Just Another Month

Another day gone.. start of June and then, still nothing. Nothing accomplished at all. Work wise, better not to mention. Still waiting for the promoter job.. but seems that they won't call. Might as well. Still thinking whether to commit or not. Found myself involved in bands again.. WSS Alumni and SWE.. and of coz the newly formed 'Noob' band. Still learning how to play the bass.. haha.. its more interesting than i've imagine. But i lack the professional guidance. Anyway, not intending to make it big.. just for our own entertainment. Had all the key players sought out.. just lack of a lead singer and a keyboardist.. maybe another guitarist would be nice..

So a boring June i suppose. Mostly filled with meetings of FOC and FOD.. ha.. how i wanted to be free.. to do what i want. And of coz.. band pract as well.. mundane as it can be.. on my weekends. Commitments.. how can i work with such a schedule? A case of 'over-commitment'. Yet i don't find that kick i'm looking for.. why? Sort of lacking something in my life.. perhaps love. It is no accident, and it really depends on the originator and the receiving end. Both sides must work to begin with. Its too complex, and finding the light.. and i see none. Perhaps time.

2 plus.. just finished disturbing the village with the bass.. haha.. think i'm obsessed with it. I want to be a competent bassist.. haha.. not pro.. just competent. Swollen fingers.. the strings are much more thicker than i've expected.. compared to my acoustic guitar. Things are much more different, and i'm not used to it.

Still on my plan of gainning weight.. mass, not fats.. well.. maybe fats are welcomed too. So had been eating non-stop. Supper is a must, and then, i'm almost broke eating. Its not cheap at all. 2 days into this regime.. in bid to improve. As i've said.. its a disavantage to be 'light'.. wind might blow me off someday if i'm not careful.. lol..

Endured lots of shit recently.. not saying anything doesn't mean giving in. I might want to try a different role someday. Fell out with a campmate recently over work related issues.. I'm not DUMB.. can feel, can see and can hear. Think twice. Retaliation is not forbidden.