Am I Going To Be Alright?

Seems i don't quite care about myself anymore.. and i really don't want to care. Yet i'm not intending to self destruct the button isn't ready.. i'm not that dumb.. and also, there are too many people that i've footprints on..

200+ posts since a year plus ago.. looking through, i've really change quite a bit. In terms of thinking and the way i treated other people.. I thought i could be immune after so many years of thinking... yet, some things never change. When it comes to this, i'm always at a lost.. it seems that i still couldn't control. I'm not childish.. ( neither am i skinny.. = =) things just happens at the wrong time.. that's all. Yet, the right things are always ignored, and the wrong doings amplified. Me, Myself and I.. whatever i did was wrong.. so why do? Might as well leave it to time to dispose. Sure i will regret, i know i will. But will she?

The sudden strong feelings came back to bug me again.. it seems to be a vicious cycle.. and its very difficult to live. Being too sensitive in a senseless world can kill. And its killing me.. not softly enough though. And people as they always were. Too bad there isn't any mountains in here for me to be a hermit.. or else i rather be one.. If not i train so hard to be a loner for what?

Got enough of myself recently.. for what do i degrade myself for? Lameness.. guess it shouldn't be my image.. and too bad for the rest.. maybe they all can rejoice.. jokes are history.

Too immerse in my own happenings that i totally gave up on SRC for the whole period.. grab a hold of myself.. maybe.. i need someone to hold me.. tightly. Yet it all were just wishes.. maybe the path already parted. So finally came the last event for Welfare department.. Ultimatum Challenge.. all credits go to ML should it be a success.. and all the blame shall be on me should it fails. Was supposed to be the over-all in-charged for this.. yet i bail out.. perfering to agonise myself.. till now. Too late it seems.. and it shall be the event later.. one can only hope as always.

Now trying to find all things to divert my attention.. from eating to playing games.. and of coz, my newly aquired - two of the '4 great evils'... gambling and drinking. I'm not trying to self destruct.. just that it came a time that i unlocked them.. and got stuck. Obessesion it seems.. yet looking around, i'm later than the rest.. haha.. maybe i'm younger.. maybe i'm trying to be stubborn not to conform.. yet it happens. And it spells trouble. Health problems it seems.. still haven't recovered from the whole night mahjong session it seems.. and of coz i have intention to cut down on the 'hobbies'.. Frequently joked about my goal to collect the 4.. haha.. yet i won't.. it'll be against my moral.. and also unfair to the special someone.. that is if i happen to get attached.. guess it won't be so soon.. hahaa.. sadness. I have intention to settle down by the age of 28.. very young for guys.. yet i want my life to unfold as soon as possible.. and of coz, having the intention to earn lots of money.. haha.. and maybe continue to dream on.

And finally to the topic of work.. i could if i wanted.. and i really doesn't want to work.. not because i'm lazy, not because i'm well to do.. but it isn't value for money. Even if it isn't in terms of money, it can seriously disrupt one's studies.. if so.. might as well quit school to work full time and take it as one's 'career'. School fees cost more than what one can earn in a month.. maybe two or three.. what's the point? But really.. some people do have financial difficulties.. so.. i just don't know.. the line is too blured for me to see.