What Do You Not Want?

"Are we less then friends? "

"I just want to ask.... can we still be friends?"

"If it could lead to something that serious.. perhaps, i wish things didn't have to happen in the first place.."

"If that is the case... maybe i should go. But i was no longer there."

"If that's what you think will work for us."

"If you shall cry.. i'll still be there. As a friend. Thats all i ask for."

Ask.. With A Reason

Was at YCF rehearsal this morning.. slept at 2 plus last night and woke up at 7. Was real tired.. and i thought it was going to be fun.. fun in the sense that i met lots of colleagues that were there during WMC 2001. Four years on.. we have all grown older.. and lousier.. haha.. 2005 WMC.. SWE no longer is capable of doing it.. and also, they said it'll be a drain on SSA's resouces.. in order to give others the chance.. we forfeited.. and we collasped.

So it was a sort of 'gathering'... none improved much.. and a lot more new faces.. particually the clarinet section... all full of 'kids'... and then the band shrunk in size.. but we got a very devoted conducter.. too bad none can commit.

And then the rehearsal.. i think i might as well stay home and sleep.. warm and boring.. full of i don't know what to say.. and then took so much time to talk... and i have to rush to work after that... the scary part is.. i don't know how come they like to make people do all sorts of funny things.. seriously, i don't enjoy it at all. And they thought they bond people in that way.. what were they thinking? Maybe i'm too individualistic.. haha.. they don't suit me.

At the selling floor: 7 hours and 55 minitues waiting.. just for that 5 minitues of sales.. might be a single sale.. yet it can determine success or failure. So today i waited till it was 5 minitues before i was off duty.. then the customer came. Whoa.. 1 single sale - over 1.4k worth. Haha.. it could be more.. but i lack the stocks... not my fault. The finger pointing works well if you point at someone else first. And believe.. everyone does it to protect themselves..

And then i was given off tomorrow.. what the? Suddenly i got nothing to do... What to do? think i can make ice kachang with the ice mountains ...

Can It Be Worse?

I guess all bad things happen together.. so that it'll be significant. 15 mins late for work today.. Saturday with GSS.. and still i get no sales. Heard that my manager intend to reduce pay.. and much more. This is bad... real bad. On the way to Bedok.. and yet they said the plan was changed.. and i had to make a detour.... today is not my day.. or rather.. June is not my month. Really fed up with a lot of things...

And don't know why i ended up in Liquid again.. and didn't intend to drink.. and yet it happened.

Can't think well now i guess... might as well go to sleep...

Just Let Me Know....

Life seems so full of happenenings.. and it all happened on me! Not something to celebrate though. Can't even say how bad it'll go.. it seems the peak was over again. What could i ask for? Was actually very lucky to have that much. Yet wasn't the type to hold on and to strive for. In fact, things were often done halfway. Maybe i might end halfway someday...

Had too much to cope with.. and i can't adjust my time to everyone. And not everyone can adjust to me. YCF performance coming up soon... and i haven't even attend one practice.. And SRC too.. Was my off day.. yet couldn't help out coz i was sick. (again).. Had been very prone to illness these few years.. wondered what was wrong with me.. wanted to lead a better life.. yet..

Maybe i should let go.. let go of whatever that is bothering me so much...

My day was with mixed feelings. Was tabbing ' 倒带' for the bass part. No feat though.. anyone could do it.. but it needed to be ready.. coz we might be playing it soon. So listened to it for a lot of times.. both versions - Jay's and Jolin's. But i peferred Jay's version. Knew that the lyrics were kind of destructive.. no choice but to listen.

倒带

作词：方文山 作曲：周杰伦

我受够了等待 你所谓的安排
到底多久 多久才来
你总是要我乖 慢慢计划将来
我想依赖却你 都不在

应该开心的地带 你给的全是空白
一个人假日发呆找不到人陪我看海
我想你应该明白 却一直都进不来
你所给我的伤害 我是真的很难释怀

你总是要我乖 慢慢计划将来
说的未来到底多久才来
过去怎麼安排 你该给的信赖
我的眼泪却一直掉下来

从我脸上的苍白 看到记忆慢下来
过去甜蜜在倒带 只是感觉已经不在
过去你给的期待 被我一次次摔坏
已经碎成太多块 要怎麼拼凑跟重来

终於看开爱回不来
我们面前太多阻碍
你的手却放不开
哭著求我留下来

终於看开爱回不来
我们面前太多阻碍
你的手却放不开
宁愿没出息求我别离开

Nice song with great lyrics.. and that feeling... Actually didn't quite notice it.. but a few other songs were just as agonizing on the heart. '瓦解' and '搁浅'. The title alone suggests that something was very tormenting..

Was asked to attend NYP/NTU today.. (as an audience).. and as expected, saw her there. Didn't want to look for her, yet, she came next to my seat. Was looking for someone though.. but i thought it would be impolite not to greet someone i knew.. Yet, was disappointed with the reply. Guess it was my turn.. something i owed her during my concert 4 years ago. Same situation, we were perparing for WMC. And so, the same response. Not too sad i guess.. only disappointed.. From friends to strangers.. what next?

I just don't know.

Purple Light??

Milestone yesterday. Sold the 'most expensive' item on my list - a $1099 bedlinen set. Achievement.. yeah!.. Sold another 1k (2 sets of bedlinen) today.. hahaha.. i think i can smell my incentive coming. maybe give me a pay rise?

But still not being very very happy.. Problems problems.. haha..

Went Wss Bandcamp last night till late.. coz i got nothing to do on saturdays. Same thing happened again.. Wondered why the world is ruled by military dictatiorship.. haha... maybe some people are too deprived of the freedom they once had.. or are they too afraid to let go of their authority? This is the exact case during Famine Camp at Ngee Ann... so.. i guess they actually enjoyed being in the army... haha.. of coz i don't.

Having attitude problems again. Well... only to those that don't deserve respect. (permenant) Those without chose to be humble.. some chose to show whatever they don't posses.. and it really makes me wanna puke. Imagine under someone like that... arh...wanted to rebel.. yet had to 'give face'. In terms of seniority, i should show some respect. And i did. Also to show character.. not to give the present band members a bad impression of the Alumni. So decided to help up till it was time to go.

So i reached home around 3 plus last night after chilling out with wm and some of the 'juniors'..

Finally a 'peaceful resolution' for SRC and work.. i don't know whether this will work.. i do hope so.. but at least i tried.

And then the mountain freezes even more. Someone's climbing.. i'm not!.. and i don't have the intention to climb.. i'm not even at the base camp waiting.. and yet i was frozen. Perhaps its better this way. I will reciprocate.

2 more days of work before my off day.. haha.. decided to work hard for the newly formed band. Felt really bad for creating the 'mess' somehow.. but for now, we'll be practicing on our own.. till we get better.. and i will work for it.

Why Am I Responsible?

Argh!... how come me again? Nothing to be happy about really... maybe i was too weak.. haiz.. not really that great huh...

Got to work tomorrow.. haiz.

SRC meeting/FOC/FOD... haiz.

SWE/WSS band practices... haiz.

Arthiritis... haiz.. HAIZ~!

Sometimes i really wondered.. why to live such a long life with all the problems we faced? Some are temporary.. yet, some follow us through our lives.. hindering us. Wondered was it really bad karma? Yet, this all are still early. Who knows what will happen next? The future is so unpredictable. And sometimes i really felt too tired to move on.

And then there are those that are parallel. If everything goes well.. i could be happier. And if not, i wouldn't be sad. Responsibility is a burden - my Lord of the Rings.

Well Done

Came back from liquid kitchen.. wasn't planning to spend that much.. yet, tomorrow was my off day.. so had to enjoy a bit. Think i had too much.. haha.. couldn't hold it well..

Can't work that much due to commitments.. might as well.. no grudges. Haha.. was my responsibility anyway.. think was too childish intitially.. anyway, hopefull i can meet the requirements of both side. Actuall there are more. Wss alumni, SWE, SRC, and the noob band.. plus work.. haha.. think i'm going to explode.

So sales were pretty good.. 5.8k of sales after less.. lol.. but my incentive had to be forfeited. No choice. Can't work full... so yesterday, they found a replacement to rotate.. sad.. haha.. but other promoters thought it was my last day there.. haha.. kind of aimless after working less... less income.. and more time to slack. But with FOD and FOC around, think i won't be lost.. haha.

Felt really bad leaving the rest of the excos to handle the tasks.. and i admit i do have attitude problem.. But it'll be unfair to them if this goes on. But this is a realist world.. haha.. i could quit if i want to.. lol .... not that i haven't tried before. Was the exco in my band during secondary school days as well.. haha.. and i also quit my post. But i wouldn't do that here... older and will be able to think better. Room for a win win stituation. But nix was right.. haha.. had to fight for oneself.

Yet, it had to be balanced.. the line is too vague.. and sometimes, over aggressive might jeapordize relations. Over passive will invite e-99 (eat gao gao).. haha.. the Achilles' heel. You might give to someone.. and yet be stabbed by the same person.. but, give it anyway. Trust is something that makes us different from the other animals.

I really don't know.. the route seems ambiguous. But i won't attempt just for the sake of doing. The intention must be there.. if not, theres no difference from poseurs.

I think i'll 'tio pok' soon. haha..

Should I Be Happier?

Not sure whether to be happy or not. Sales were great today.. a total of $1.8k worth of bedlinen sold. Great to serve customers who really treat you as a person. They are rich.. they bought things that cost a few hundreds.. and their receipt could well be over 1k.. yet, they don't put on that arrogrant look. They respected me.. and i reciprocate. I mean... how many customers really cared who you are? Promoter, cashier, supervisor or even manager? Anyone at the cashier is assumed to process the merchandize. Not to mention to address them by your name.. was shocked... but it really gave me that pride to serve even better.

And not one but two on the same day.. and that i convinced, they are really rich. Not poseur who tries to find fault with anyone.. so i offered to help to carry the bags to the carpark. (an opportunity to slack..) And i was tipped by the customer.. just for carrying the bags.. it was a requirement to help anyway.. and i don't expect any return. So it made my day.. together with the sales from my counter.

Yet, that didn't last.

Was really puzzled about some things..they say i think too much. i think they think more.. if not how they know i think too much?.. and really.. sometimes i didn't think at all.. and intention was speculated. No intention at all.. must there be any reason for doing something? I hate to be a monkey (don't pay me peanuts), and i hated to be a donkey more. Carrot game isn't fun at all.

Ya.. i think too much.

Maybe shall think of how to get more sales tomorrow.

Day:3, Sales:1

Finally.. got my first sales. A king size fitted sheet and 2 oxford pillow case.. haha.. should be above $400 i think.. and i also sold 2 sets of bedliners, 1 fitted sheet, 1 quilt cover, (for other counters = =) 3 floor mats and 2 'pictured' frame.. lol... end up translating the chinese words there.. luckily i still got 'two pair of brushes'.. if not i think the ang mor will come back for me. LOL.. and i will know why.. $98 for 1 of that.. = = Anyway i think i can part time the staff there.. and they can pay me for being the directory. I guess all who worked as a promoter will know.

But still ended up being scolded by customers and all. Was at the cashier there speaking to someone on the phone. Then one ang mor wanted to pay.. and don't know why.. the staffs always will dissapper at the crucial moment. And then i got scolded by him for being 'impolite'.. wanted to say, "HELLO... READ MY TAG: IT SAYS PROMOTER.. NOT CASHIER". Some people are just unreasonable.

And today isn't a good day either.. the promoter beside went off just after my first day.. sort of miss her.. whahaa.. coz she was my '1st' friend there.. LOL. And i got warned by the supervisor again.. my hair was too long.. argh! Am i in the army or what? What a bad day...

Yesterday was better.. met yun tun for lunch and on the way back, met xuefen on the bus.. haha.. so 'qiao' huh... she lived just beside my block so we had dinner together. But today... haha.. had lunch alone.. and my lunch was at 5.10 pm!.. worked until i really forgot to take lunch.. haha..

Anyway, still got lots to learn.. and i'm glad there are promoters from other counters who are willing to guide me along.. must say thanks!.. haha.. But too bad.. had to miss the sentosa trip with the EXCOs tomorrow.. and also the camp breifing on the following Monday.. haiz.

Deep Sheet

First day of work yesterday. Same as everywhere: politics. Guess it was too boring for us.. haha.. 8 hours. End up talking to other promoters.. and was caught by the supervisor. Haha.. we were the 'newbies' there.. and then she asked us to split up.. And it bored me to the max. No customers at my counter.. reason being i was too ugly. The other reason was: king sized quilt cover - $400+... hahaha.. the ah xia and tai tai type of stuffs.. ah soh and ah pek all touch touch, see price tag then tio chua. Anyway, i end up promoting for other stuffs, notably the table cloths beside.

Guess it was better then being expoilted. No commission, but with a bonus.. So went for a 'crash course' yesterday coz the 'auntie' was quiting. "tuo li ku hai" she said. That means i'm in the ku hai already. Haha.. The other promoters my age were kind.. and the all those auntie type a bit erm.. Reminds me of PL days.. had to learn so much about the products. Thread count, cotton sateen flat sheet, fitted sheet.. and then i'm in deep shit.

This is workable.. at least my pay is slightly higher than others.. a contradiction to the sales of product. But will be working 6 day week, from noon till night. So will be forgoing band and src. Opportunity Cost.

The Pasture Over THERE

I thought it was gone, but it was on.. haha.. so tomorrow i'll be working .. and then... suddenly i dread it. Well, it happens all the time.. haha.. during secondary school days, i wanted so much to work.. and now.. i think i prefer to study. No matter which, the pasture is ALWAYS greener on the other side. So that time was single, and wanted to 'double'.. but then find that single is better.. haha.. and then the cycle goes on. But had to make much changes to my schedule. Mostly SRC and band commitments.. of coz my own outings are also jeopardized.

Ok.. so it wasn't that great to wish for a job... not at this moment. Still want to go Sentosa with the excos.. and of coz own Welfare department outing. And gatherings of the Witizens and Warlords. all begins with W..

So went SRC FOC/FOD meeting.. and things aren't moving.. i mean, if things were meant to happen, they would. No matter what you do or not do, they will if they want to. Something i've learnt during Bazaar. So.. let it be, let it be.. anyway, can feel their disappointment at the way things are happening. Yet, i think they all did a great job. At least we are united. Next on the list: Sentosa on Friday. Think i'm going to miss this.. why suddenly when i least expect it?

i don't know.. things are always like that.. and for some reason, my antenna failed me. Great then.. haha.. so i can happy go lucky. Argh! Promoter.. of bed liner somemore.. haha.. give me a break!

Suntanned

Went Sentosa on Friday with the excos.. thought was supposed to check up the camp site plus plan some games.. end up we ourselves were playing. Was rather hot that day.. and hence got 'burned'.. maybe didn't exercise for too long, now having aches all over.. and think i gonna limp for a while now.. sian.. was getting from bad to worst since the welfare department outing.. don't ever ask me to go on the massage rocks again. Never.

So we played frisbee (found this on the way from the campsite to siloso beach).. and of coz, beach volleyball. Tried out another few games such as Dodge ball and of of a few 'wet weather' programmes. (though the sun was burning hot) Skipped lunch on the way.. maybe the food at Sentosa was too expensive, so we left at 3 plus to have lunch at habour front. Talked about slippers.. haha.. slippers.. ya.. and i got blisters wearing slippers..

So went back 5 plus, bathed and then out for band pract again. Then left early during band pract to have a 'meeting'. Was supposed to be at liquid kitchen, but was broke since i've quit.. haha.. so end up going to wm's house instead. Met the 'guitarist' for the second time.. haha. i think this time everyone is 'serious' i wonder how it will be.. 'poseur'? whahaa.. ya.. i think so. Maybe name the band this.. whahaa.. it suits us all. A drummer who is a tbone/tpt player, a guitarist who is a tpt player, and a bassist who is a horn/tpt player.. wahhaaa... wannabes. Anyway, everyone starts off the same way.. who is born that way? haha.. Time is important.. but talent is the key.

Ok.. all job applications were turned down.. haha.. left a factory job.. and maybe i should help out at the village. And to think they only want 'aunties' as their promoter.. what the... - - But stituation doesn't allow me to work.. too many things to do. 3 bands, 2 SRC major events.. where can i find the time.

Will be in Boonlay tomorrow for band pract.. again. Its always that far.. haiz. And my horn.. i think it had 'rusted'.. hahaha.. thinking of selling my tpt.. in need of cash.. wondered why i bought all these last time.. think i'm crazy.. and maybe i'll regret the bass too. Haha.. but not now i guess.

Just Another Month

Another day gone.. start of June and then, still nothing. Nothing accomplished at all. Work wise, better not to mention. Still waiting for the promoter job.. but seems that they won't call. Might as well. Still thinking whether to commit or not. Found myself involved in bands again.. WSS Alumni and SWE.. and of coz the newly formed 'Noob' band. Still learning how to play the bass.. haha.. its more interesting than i've imagine. But i lack the professional guidance. Anyway, not intending to make it big.. just for our own entertainment. Had all the key players sought out.. just lack of a lead singer and a keyboardist.. maybe another guitarist would be nice..

So a boring June i suppose. Mostly filled with meetings of FOC and FOD.. ha.. how i wanted to be free.. to do what i want. And of coz.. band pract as well.. mundane as it can be.. on my weekends. Commitments.. how can i work with such a schedule? A case of 'over-commitment'. Yet i don't find that kick i'm looking for.. why? Sort of lacking something in my life.. perhaps love. It is no accident, and it really depends on the originator and the receiving end. Both sides must work to begin with. Its too complex, and finding the light.. and i see none. Perhaps time.

2 plus.. just finished disturbing the village with the bass.. haha.. think i'm obsessed with it. I want to be a competent bassist.. haha.. not pro.. just competent. Swollen fingers.. the strings are much more thicker than i've expected.. compared to my acoustic guitar. Things are much more different, and i'm not used to it.

Still on my plan of gainning weight.. mass, not fats.. well.. maybe fats are welcomed too. So had been eating non-stop. Supper is a must, and then, i'm almost broke eating. Its not cheap at all. 2 days into this regime.. in bid to improve. As i've said.. its a disavantage to be 'light'.. wind might blow me off someday if i'm not careful.. lol..

Endured lots of shit recently.. not saying anything doesn't mean giving in. I might want to try a different role someday. Fell out with a campmate recently over work related issues.. I'm not DUMB.. can feel, can see and can hear. Think twice. Retaliation is not forbidden.