Vacation Mode Nightmare

And i thought that sleeping early will get me a better rest.. but how ironic.

For the past few days, i've been sleeping at around 5am... and everything seems to fall out of pace. So i tried to sleep early.. at around 11pm... but this too doesn't help. I woke up to a 'vacation mode' nightmare.. and it felt like a prelude to something else. More likely, it was the summation of everything thus far, with elements of the 'latest' things i've seen or heard. I guess, the inevitable will happen sooner or later.. and i thought i wouldn't mind. I feel so helpless now. I mean really very. =(

5am now.. and it felt like the old days where i got to wake up early to go school.

Just a while more to daybreak, and i've got my ttsh followup later.

I am, What I am.

Full was i, and happy i was.

I said it moves in tandem, and it did.

Band today, and it was my latest... i actually was so tired that i overtook the afternoon nap.. haha. It was, partly becoz of friday's lecture. FR was ok, though lecturer chute power.. whaha.. coz we showed that we didn't really revised. However, the killer came from IM.. i now know why i was so tired every friday.. whaha.. not becoz of 2 lectures back to back.. but really, it was becoz me trying to understand what my IM lecturer is trying to teach.. lol.. sad to say, i did burn a lot of brain cells just to try to understand.

Other than that, i was being indulgent - in everything else. Wilful i was, yet to a lesser degree.. for i would most likely to forgo band practice. Yet.. i was glad i didn't give up. Was so much delighted. Was so happy... lol.. i also didn't know why.. perhaps i was being what i was.. i recognised myself, and i be myself. Of coz after 24 years, i already knew much of me.. lol.. and in the aspect of band, i know nerve was never a forte. LOL.. as usual, think too much and then was trying too hard to fine tune.. haha.. that was me. Perhaps, i was reminded of how ignorant i was in my sec school days.. haha.. especially when they played "dance of yao".. awww... i was reminded of so much.

Had an haircut, DIY-ed.. whahahaa.. pro hor? LOL.. and no, i wasn't being called for reservice.. and yes, i've gained weight.. that was what i was trying for the past 2 weeks.

Oh ya.. today saw so many friends..lol.. at Boonlay, saw miss xx wor.. whahahaa... so qiao right? Then saw the rest from the band.. in the train, saw bernard also.. wah.. haha... qiao right?

Today was one of my friend's bday.. lol.. nov is always "dangerous".. whaha.. so many of them having bday wor.. lol.. so as usual, was at dbl wor.. and as usual, tah lor.. strange was, after so long, it hasn't dropped. Yet today, met someone really very irritating.. ya.. some people are just soooooooooo "imm zim".. i really don't understand leh... dopod so what? and was so irritated when people tried to say, "mine is dopod leh.. what phone you use?" zzz.. eh.. got money to buy, no money to repair ar? LOL.. mei you du liang. Anyway, i was reminded of one shewish woman.. whahaa.. sometimes, they like to eat 99 lor.. siao.. and when it was them who is at fault.. zzz.. siao. I just don't understand lor. Let and let be.. so poor then don't take dopod la! Nokia not nice meh? Ericsson cmi meh? Hao lian shem me? $1300 very big hor? Can just buy some people's character. LOL.. ok la.. $1300 still a lot.. lol.. that bugger that buang my car wanted to go court over $100.. whahahaaaa... damn stupid.. and sometimes, i wondered, what is that for. With reference to a similar case reported on the ST a month ago, another bugger went court over a sum of few hundered dollars.. in the end, it cost 12k for legal fees.... what are they thinking? Right or not, it doesn't have to go to that extend lor. I admit, i will give in.. for i would not want to downgrade myself to their level.. i would never. I am what i am. I would rather be stupid than to be "imm zim". No wonder.. hah.. no wonder there is no equality. There are people out there, wanting equality and also comparitive advantage.. ha.. i really have nothing to say.. just that, don't come out and harm me can le. Leave me alone hor..

I am being bias.. most are. Hah.. so much that if you charge them 10 cents more, they will go court case with you.. need to xiang bu kai meh? This world so "evil" ar? So much that no one can make mistake? Sigh.. sadly, there are such.. and as i've said, if so, then don't hao lian la. Ha.. i've be using my hp for more than 2 years, and i now carry a less than $50 fm tuner instead of an ipod... lol.. i am poor leh, so i carry lousy things. It was my mistake to drive my sis's car.. whahaha.. and hor, that bugger that was that one who crashed into my car, was actaully driving an SUV.. hah.. don't have such a big head hor, then don't wear such a big hat la.. if driving a big car caused you not to see your side mirrors, then for heaven's sake!, ride a bike la... you know, er ren xian gao zhuang one lor.. and if you cannot hold you dopod or whatever pod in your had properly, for god sake, put in your pocket la!.. don't .. really don't come out and harm people lor.. LOL.

Zzz.. so much happy i was initially.. althought the recent matter doesn't concern me, i just felt it was unreasonable lor.. of coz, there are much more people as such out there.. believe me.. maybe you are one of them. Anyway, anything, whatever, just don't come find me can le.. don't show how much you are really worth to me.. be it $1300 or $100.. i don't care. Afterall, life should be priceless.. just as the mastercard ad.

Anyway, i've said, i move in tandem.. with much.. hahaa.. be it good or bad, happy or sad. Strangely, i was ok leh.. hahaha.. wow.. maybe just for now, maybe for more.. i just isn't what i used to be.

Was home at 4.30am.. and went to da bao ba chor mee.. whahaa.. very hungry leh.. how to gain weight like that? 12 hours without food wor.. LOL.. so happy to have a 24 hour ba chor mee store outside.. wahaha.. i just love it! Was so full and so satisfied.. and then it was sunday again! Wah.. haha.. time just pass like that leh.. already almost 2 years lo.. and my extension for the final year is almost halfway.. wahahaha.. i'm couldn't be much happier!

On the train back, i've learnt quite a lot from my band colleagues.. even those that are younger than me.. yupz.. they had such drive.. for every moment in their life, nothing was wasted.. yet, it all depend on the wants in one's life. Nothing is unreacheable.. just how badly you want it. Of coz, i wouldn't want people to compensate me just becoz my phone was knocked off by others. All in all, i am with such little ambition that i currently isn't moving much.. but who knows? Someday, perhaps one day, perhaps never, i might just move so much.. haha.. but who knows? I a, just glad that i am what i am, for all flaws, for all praises, i am, what i am.

Of coz, i recognised this is much of the rollarcoaster ride wor.. and to be certain that i wouldn't lament more than i should, i will ride it up, and never doubt myself.. that is, for now.

Reconcilement

Almost the end of october.. 8 more months till the final papers. Sad to say, i've skipped my 1st lesson of this sem.. not surprisingly, its IM. I also don't know.. seems to be in a daze these days.. perhaps of 2 consecutive nights "bad dreams". (no.. they are not considered nightmares.. just bad dreams)

Too much mystery these days.. and it doesn't even concern me.. haha..

Other than school work, also trying to make "some changes".. should be about a month or so le.. but still can't see much difference.. whahaha.. maybe not trying hard enough.. maybe i lag too much already.

Felt something strange these days.. perhaps the result of much inquisition.. and got a recoil of some sort.. and then it triggers so many things off.. i think i lost it somehow. The silencing, some excess realisation, and then it was that. Well.. at least its better already.. lol..

Was into "facebook" these days.. lol.. a bit lag also hor? Haha.. too lazy to set up account le.. anyway, was much into horoscopes and tarrots.. lol.. and sometimes, they are just so right.. makes me feel that at least someone, or something understands.. lol... but in reality, they just anyhow humtum in an ambiguous way.. just so that its more palatable. Somehow, seeing an exact word that can best describe.. i think i'm willing to be reconciled.. at least for now.

Sian

Saturday morning, and i'm already awake at 6am.

2 consecutive nights of similar dreams plus another source is enough to trigger..

And omission alone wasn't enough, it was once again shattered.. seriously, i didn't want to have anything to do with.. i know i will anyhow pick up anything.. but sigh.. this is not something i want to pick. Argh....... perhaps its a nightmare come true? I shouldn't have anything to do with.. i know.. but sometimes it isn't easy.

Wondering what purpose.. sigh. Hope it'll be over soon.

What Werkz?

Brewerkz.

Was at brewerks for chilling and dinning today.. and it was great food and nice brew all the way.

Though it was nothing much of fine dinning, the food and drinks are really nice.. and i think it won't be my last time there.

Was actually there for a little oktoberfest celebration.. plus my own october celebration.. hahaa.. seems like i've declared the whole of october as an excuse to indulge myself in good food and beer.

In fact, oktoberfest is already over la.. hahaha.. i just need an excuse.

Thought i could indulge very much, but in the end, i proved to be more rational that i think i am... haha.. i think really must enjoy the housebrew.. Wow.. and then i'm not done with the praises.. their services are just too good.. lol..

And same with starhub... totally very satisfied with the after service.. coz today i called customer service troubleshoot the scv box, and there are just so much they can do for their customers.. (although what they really did was to replace the box..).. but they offered to send someone over to replace it.. wahhh.. totally impressed.. and it works! But tomorrow might be going down to change it anyways, haha.. coz i didn't want to wait.. LOL..

And i can't say the same for my mp3 player.. totally nothing.. and nothing that lasts.. pui~ Hahahaa.. That didn't work.

So since yesterday, i've been a bit 呆呆的.. don't know why, just want to 放空.. just wondering why about a lot, a lot which i had no control over.. and then i know there is nothing anymore, and so 就呆呆的..

Well being 呆 also works.. and it works better than 胡思乱想.. hahaha.. my recovery rate is so fast these days.. just can shake away a lot of things.. lol..

Of coz, there are things that just keeps coming.. especially the arthritic pain.. lol.. don't know if it's because of the weather.. lol.. if so, when i graduate, i can go work as a Meteorologist le.. haha.. that who can only forecast rainy days.

Somehow, the rain make things seems gloomy leh.. haha.. don't know why.. lol.. but then after the good food and beer, i think i'm happy somehow.. lol.. at least there are still great things in this world.

Of coz, great things and great people too.. lol.. also great pets.. hahaa.... sometimes i just don't know what to say.. but this pakki really did a lot for this family le.. i'm so thankful that we didn't give him up.

5012124

If these numbers remind of anything.. if not, perhaps, i shouldn't be so affected too.

It was already the past.. people do change, so does feelings. It need not chnage for the worse. Yet things from the past will hurt.. just that i'm too insensitive to realise then. The present.. does it matter anymore?

Perhaps nothing will change in the future.. if this is the choice made.

With that, perhaps it is time to conclude my vacation.

Exams leh..

Another month or so to exams.. still not in exam mood as always. Discovered that i don't like exams.. actually, nobody does. But still, i need to prove myself once again.

But perhaps not so soon.. next week hao ma? Hahah... i never change, still as lazy as usual.

Thursday, got up and the usual SOP. LSed coz of the overdose of liquor the previous night.. whahaa.. don't know what's wrong with my digestive system.. so got over the hangover and went to meet up with my jc bandmate. It came as a chance and then discovered that this world is so small. Hahah.. to think that someone actually knew someone. (??) Haha... and to think that things are so easy to guess.

And so since we graduated from jc, we never met up.. suddenly had so much to say, and all about the past. And when someone had too much to say about the past, it means.. yah.. old liao le. Also, found out that my friend was actually from SSA.. haha.. so qiao huh? So i got my friend to get me and my sis beads, coz i thought my sis is going to the US soon.. but in the end, she decided not to go. Might as well.. save my parents and me from worrying. OK.. maybe i won't get to drive the vios ba.. haha.. but nevermind.

Friday, skipped local revision again.. haha... coz i attended before the previous year. Don't know why.. perhaps i'm so confident that i actually started my mugging a year before, i don't actually feel the urgency.. haha.. just don't let this be my downfall.

Since that day at zouk, i've been feeling not ok.. so weak these few days.. take bus also feel giddy, and the whole day kept sleeping.. next time i don't want to drink so much le.. coz too long never train, (and there's no reason why one should) i couldn't hold as well le.. haha.. 1 tiger and not even 1 jug of long island already cmi-ed me.. And been feeling the effects of arthritis.. sian 1/2 lor.. i've already stopped asking why.. haha.. entering the 8th year, and really, the unpredictable condition had much impact on my life. Still it goes on.. yah.. why not?

I still can enjoy.. haha.. Today went K-lunching at kbox plaza.. though its new, but it seems to inherit the service approach from the old kbox near S11 there. Nevertheless, didn't k-lunch for almost a long long time, and i was impressed with the lunch (and the bill too). For $12.50, we get 1 drink plus 1 lunch.. and the serving is quite generous too.. plus 3 hours of K-ing.. $12.50 leh.. such a bargain.

Backed home at 2pm, and actually was jio-ed for mj.. haha.. but luckily not enough kah.. haha.. coz the more i played, the more i felt guilty of not mugging.. sigh.. tian ar.. why are there exams? Why did someone invent such a system... haiz...

TGIS

Nice weather these days huh? Haha.. no rain and lots of sun. It seems cloudy these days, but it never rained.

Was walking home after the mj session this afternoon, and passed by "my mother school" (wo de mu xiao) WSS. I thought they were going to pull down the main building, but after so many months le, still can see it. Just in case they decide to take it down later, i took a pic of it.

Whitley Secondary, as seen on the overhead bridge. 4 years of memories, plentiful.

Oh ya, by the way, the school "moved" to toa payoh le.. some ulu spot, and some ulu building. Thankfully, they didn't change the school uniform. It was rumored that they are going to change it to checkered since 1999. But now, it still seems to be the same, just that the school badge (or crest) moved to the collar.. somemore, it was embroidered.. which means they cannot take off the identity and hiong into arcarde le.. haha.

My JC on the other hand, changed its uniform totally, from the cold storage staff uniform to some assembly line worker uniform..

Really, it just keeps moving. I didn't like changes anyway. Even stamps also increased from 23 cents to 25 cents. Not sure whether it is triggered by the GST hike.. But one thing for sure, school fees is going to increase for me. 2% is quite a lot for 2k.. kns why did i fail? Haha.. But then hor, i rather pay for GST than service charge lor. No service, and charge somemore.. and guess what? They expect tips somemore! Tips? ki si la.. haha.. especially when the change of $2 is in 10 and 20 cents.

Been very motivated these days, haven't been skipping lessons. Total for this year, is 1st lecture for FI and lecture 5 & 6 for LBO. 3 lessons only! Probably because most of them are in the afternoon. I regretted skipping class, becoz while studying, i really don't understand. Already mid November.. time to stop nua-ing. A lot of things i didn't want to be bothered. Marketing still my greatest worry.. coz it's a SS mod.

A very free saturday for me.. coz no need to go band pract! Wahahaaa... so happy today~

GQ and the Chocolate Factory

A sense of dejavu. I wanted much to get over and done with, but, i think time isn't what i can control.

Realised that there are a lot that i couldn't confront, and i don't intend to. I think for now, this is, perhaps of "instinct".

And i've been wondering, why should i settle for less? I've been asking for too much i know, and there are so many who can.. and yet why not?

Feeling rather vexed these few days.. especially of things happening at the "chocolate factory". Village chief always tell me, 1 people means 1 problem (if they give problem that is).. and the more people at the chocolate factory, the more problem they create. Wrong orders, unsuccessful quotation, and so on. But, many came from the same village, and somehow or rather, indebted to them, so whatever happens, still must carry on.. But, for the others, especially the yaya papaya "manager".. i don't really understand what they are thinking! Age of 50+, with 2 kids still schooling, still want to make the village chief worry. (and in turn make my blood boil!) I would be childish if i say i wanted to go to the chocolate factory and learn the ways of making chocolate just to chase that papaya away.

I'm a worker too, of coz i don't always agree with my manager, but at least, i don't join the rest to degrade her. And here this papaya dare to comment that, "it's pointless even if the pay is high, if one doesn't enjoy the work".. NB.. i say, damn you!

In the industry of the chocolate, where people don't have their own plantations, cost price is the same, chocolate is the same. Orders are made to customer's specifications (wrong orders means lost of materials lor..) and the only way one could compete is through price. (and perhaps a bit of service) Coupled with falling demand, perhaps, the factory is facing a lot of challenges. Workload might be the same, but the profit margin have lowered.. survival is at stake. And here is this papaya, who don't really care (of coz lor.. i can understand his bo chup attitude). And i think he said before, "aiya.. if really tio pok then go wash toilet lor.." Huh.. ya right.

Too bad, nobody can take over his place.. (at this moment) "manager" mah.. and he's only a few years behind in experience compared to the village chief in this industry. Who can replace him? not to mention giving him the boot. And the useless me didn't even learn any bit. Haiz.. seeing that people troubling over these things, i also very pek chek..

And still a lot more... i guess it never ends. Perhaps, the best way of helping is to do well in exams.. sounds cliche huh? Sometimes i wondered, maybe it doesn't lies with what i didn't have.. but rather, what i had.

I could never complain enough, and plus, i don't know why, in months of october to late november, there is this very pek chek feeling with me.. if i happen to piss anyone off, i'm sorry.. really couldn't help it. (well, at least i'm being true huh..) Of coz, the only season that can bring back everything, xmas! Haha..

I have plans to stay out of trouble.. exams (not xmas in this case) are coming pretty SOON. And i really don't understand why would anyone settle for something less. Of coz there are other things i might yearn for.. but i guess, i don't have to energy to spare.

Blogging is just one way of de-stressing, making sure that i'm still sane to carry on...

Just finished a bit on CF, and wondered is Fisher Separation Theory works for me too. Maybe not changing FI to afternoon lesson afterall, i don't really have $50 to spare.. and it's just another 4 months - 16 or so lessons to go.. so bo bian lor. If really late.. then sit in front lor.. haha.. well.. at least easier to concentrate. It works especially well for CF and FI.

Oh ya.. today at the carpark in school... i saw this orange Lamborghini! WAH... our school all ah sia or ah sia kia ar? Wah wah wah~ fierce.. whaha.. so surprising.. especially when a car is somehow a depreciating asset..

So now, why should i settle for something less? But i don't really have interest in car now and the zhnging (becoz i don't own one)... i mean other things. Now, at least things became clearer, so are my goals. Maybe a few alterations in habit.. hopefully i can succeed. After all, C0 and C1, the latter must be the more important one..

It Was Nothing

As if it was nothing.

But someone agrees with me too.. i wasn't the only one. But should i be happy about it? I really do not know. Something which i said that was obvious was even clearer.. yet, will it be nearer? Actually, i shouldn't be concerned at all.. or i would have conceded.

I've already tired to conceal. But... but but but.. hah.. well.. it doesn't concerns me..

Found that most things are inversed.

So cold these days.. i thought i got frostbitten.. nice weather to sleep though.. (provided i didn't get caught in the rain la..)

And darn.. got to go school tomorrow morning... argh~! Can i just change it to the afternoon lecture?

What Am I Doing?

Yesterday was a bad day.. woke up from the wrong side of the bed.. no wait.. i didn't sleep at all. All becoz of 2 cups of coffee. That wm jio me go prata house have dinner coz his house didn't have.. but i have eaten already.. so i asked him to help me ordered coffee tarik 1st. (becoz the usual me is always late.. since he was there already.. might as well.. ) but then he ordered wrongly! Coffee Chino or don't know what he ordered.. so drink already no kick.. haha.. so i ordered a Coffee Tarik.. end up couldn't sleep for the whole night.

And not that i didn't want to.. i could lie down and fall asleep at around 6 a.m. .. but still need to go to band practice. Me and my itchy mouth.. went to ask them if they need any support.. and so it was at the new WSS .. or rather a very old building at Toa Payoh. Didn't know which bus to take.. and that wm again.. told me the night before to take 58. And i end up in Tampines early on a saturday morning.. almost going to Pasir Ris already then i alight.. coz i didn't want to take the same bus back to Bishan again.. feels stupid.. but i think the verdict is, it's more stupid not to get down as soon as i've discovered the route was wrong. I knew the new campus was at Toa Payoh.. and when the bus 1st came to NYJC (Serangoon), i sense something was wrong.. but i trusted the information given.. somemore i didn't have other options.. but when it came to Ubi, Eunos and so on.. it was confirm travelling in the wrong direction.. Northeast instead of South. And then i discovered.. i forgot that place called Toa Payoh already. Somehow got it KIV somewhere.

Anyway, i spent the 1st 2.5 hours of the morning travelling.. and finally reached the school. Went in and saw.. the same old people. Nothing changed. And i'm disappointed. Thought after about 1 year not around.. they could have at least got better. My first thought was, how do i perform in a band like this? It won't do any paying audience any justice. So i actually told them i won't be playing. The other reason was, they were actually quite content.. seems to me that they were oblivious of their standard. And and.. seems to me that i was a threat. SO? I didn't have to oblige.

And it was scary all the way.. and warm and without air. Total time wasting since i could use a sleep that morning till evening. I had given up totally. Totally. I rather play MS and not sleep than to go for a band practice like that. Being weak isn't a flaw.. it's when they didn't realise. It was so scary. Another more practice and they are going on the VCH stage. Luckily VCH not as prestigious anymore since the days of the Esplanade.

It was tiring playing in a band as such.. all very trying to outblow each other.. and to make myself being heard was difficult. That's why i chose to jam instead to band nowadays. Friends will listen to comments.. band players don't. They are a bunch of Soloist. Actually i feel that, it was a place for some people to satisfy their ego in on way or another.. for some, it was total musical superiority.. for others, it was the feeling of being in charge. And i can say.. i am no primary or secondary kid. maybe it was me in the 1st place? In any case, i just don't like the management there.

Anyway, was very disappointed.. didn't want to have anything to do with it anymore. Hopefully. So i went off early, didn't want to kill myself by staying. Reached home and start mapling. Went out for a family dinner after that.. and i didn't sleep for almost 2 days already.

Was damn tired and i could sleep while eating. Supposed to have 10 seats at our table, but last minute my sis chute pattern again.. so we have in total we have 5 empty seats. The other 3 also.. but they are my seniors.. so cannot say chute pattern. Haha.. halfway, the organiser asked whether can accomodate 2 more ladies.. actually 2 more aunties. So 7 of us. I didn't quite like the feeling of sharing a family table with people.. if food court i don't mind.. but a dinner like that? Though, my grandpa is still very friendly towards them.. he's our PRO.. haha. but just after one dish, they left.. coz the fan was blowing directly at her.. But she was KPKB-ing all the while. It was as if she was blaming us for letting her sit in such a seat. Oh please!.. it was supposed to be seated by OUR family members. And somemore eat like 20 days never have any food.. argh! so irritating! Somemore i didn't have enough sleep.. argh.. total suffering. Anyway she could sense my AP coming.. so she and her friend left after the cold dish.. luckily.. haha.. i could eat as much as i want.. maybe too much. Haha..

Actually the dinner was a 7 year anniversay celebration for a lion dance troop.. and my dad's friend was some organiser or don't know what rank.. haha.. so got a table lor.. Anyway, i was rather awake there. Other than the constant sound from the drums and cymbals, they other thing that kept me awake was actually my glass of free flow Carlsberg! Waaah.. haha.. it seems to be a good day after all!

So Tired

Never felt so tired trying not to sleep.. the first time was during my JC days.. due to the 'overwhelming' school work.. or rather street soccer, haha.. i couldn't kept myself awake through the night.. but now in SIM too?

Was out studying the night at Bukit Batok Mac there.. set to complete POA revision plus a bit of FI.. so i brought the whole stack of POA notes and FI study guide.. but in the end.. i only completed 2 chapters out of the 22. Hahaa.. no wonder my bag seems heavy. Of coz i'm glad.. it beats watching tv at home.. haha..

It's been a week since i stepped out of my home.. and nothing much changed.. haha.. not as if new MRT lines are being built and Changi has a new terminal.. but then, it can be quite boring. Due to the stresses of the examinations, almost the whole planet is hibernating... so had to stay home and try to study as well.

And almost all went to the prelims.. all except me.. and i'm beginning to feel guilty.. guilty as a boy can be.. hahaa.. First it was my graphic card, next it was my sound card.. argh.. now no more mp3s.. should not have assembled my own CPU in the first place.. it's been almost 4 years.. and while it's still up and running.. i think it's time to change.. this CPU is too 'sensitive'.. just one knock can render it useless.. spent $900+ on this CPU, of which $200 on the stupid graphic card.. Time to tour sim lim soon.

Still feeling tired.. think i'm going back to sleep again..

Slacking At Home Again..

Felt quite guilty already.. haha.. had been rotting at home for the whole day. My forte.. disappearing from tests and mock exams.. hahaa.. well, not really that.. just really too tired already. Had been sleeping at around 4am everyday.. makes me very very very tired. And other things else.. still have to do assignments, study test and all that.. where do i get the strength?

But my whole day at home haven't yield anything.. i'm bored. And i have nothing much to play with. I need to do a podcast!.. hahaa.. that shall be my 'newest' hobby.. still finding that one thing i can excel in.. but seems not. Jack of some trades.. master of not even one! .. how can? LOL.. and i've tried so much that others don't.. don't really understand. Whats my line? Maybe i should go learn some magic? hahaa.. crap.

Almost forgot that i won't be needing to go school tomorrow.. haha.. great~.. another free day at home! Maybe i should clean my instrument.. they had been sitting there since my last performance.. so long that i have forgotten when. I shall rejoin them.. haha.. had been 'avoiding'.. well.. SRC too much to do already.. So it shall be back to SWE every sunday.. at Boonlay.. argh.. so far away from home with a 5kg baggage that is bulky.. why i don't have my own car? haha.. 5 more years i guess.

So my Sunday is gone~.. almost half of it.. band practice from 9am - 1pm.. by the time i reached home already 4pm!.. haha.. And my friday is reserved for jamming.. with a band that has no name yet.. yawn~ But can't blame.. haha.. we are all noob. A drumer who is a trumpeter, a guitarist who is also a trumpeter and a bassist (thats me!) who is a horn player.. hahaa.. no wonder we are still so lousy. And we don't practice!.. hahaa... Monday, Tuesday and Thursday is devoted to my beloved SIM.. haha.. so not free.. then i left only Wednesday and Saturday.. and i'm still so bored.. don't know why i can't stand nua-ing much more.. times have changed.

Finding things to fill in my slots.. maybe i should do some 'part-time'.. FOC though.. hahaa.. well.. time to take to the ropes. And a frail one somemore.. but.. i'll have to try..

December - a festive season? Hmm.. still have to work that out. Well.. should be full of bliss.. but seems i missed that again this year.. hahaa.. not fated that is. Festive or not really depends on what will happen the following days.. but i'll be busy though.. haha.. all the way from 9th.. haha.. but i'll have fun... till i forget my own name.

Just last Saturday went to Sentosa to have fun.. really very happy.. wonder why the planet is so sun-allgegic.. All will melt under the sun.. i used to melt too.. but now i enjoyed the outdoors.. haha.. the beach and all.. and i'll love to cycle.. someone please organise.. haha.. it should fun. So that day after the sun we all went to play CS.. hahaa.. and i forgot how to play.. lol. So only had the role of being 'killed'.. and i lost my old CS cd.. hmm.. time to get another copy.

I don't detest my phase.. yet i don't like. Hahaha.. i have no preference anymore. For whatever i did it always slides to the role of my chapter. Whatever is futile. So i now sit and watch my own story. Expect nothing and nothing will hurt. Enjoy while i can.. perhaps when i really can't at least i knew i had before.

I think i shouldn't club that much.. haha.. but will be going clubbing with my NS-tied cousin as soon as he book out from camp. Went to meet him that day at Yishun MRT station to get back my pathetic 2.0 pix camera. Was suprised at how fit he became.. haha.. and now.. i really look an old man in a child's body.. hahaa. I shall really go work something out of my ribs.. muahahaa..

Too much to do till i spent my time thinking of what to do.. what can i do?

Will It Ever Happen?

And i really skipped my classes.. but who cares? But ended up in school anyway to show support for the talentime contest. And i nearly dropped my jaws. Wondered why i've played an instrument for so long and yet couldn't be as splendid as them. Really must go face the wall soon.. haha.

Today's weather is so warm that i almost melted. But now there is thunder and maybe lightnings. How fast thing changes. On the 'bright' side.. (though its 3.30am now, and i'm blogging in total darkness..) the weather will be cool enough for me to sleep well. Had been sleeping late these few days.. 4am or so. This can't carry on..

Was back home late after Talentime coz went to have 'supper' with JJ and ML.. well.. i'm playing the 'lughtbulb' again.. hahaa.. after that we went to play pool. JJ suggested CS.. but i don't want to get 'killed'.. so better choose pool instead. Ended early .. but not early enough.. no busses for me at Clementi. Tried to be smart.. so took 154 to HCJC there to ambush other buses.. but it was already 12.50am.. so had no choice but to take cab home. So i ate a lot today.. reached home and found 2 hard-boiled eggs! haha.. and working towards my goal.. will be hitting my 'target' before xmas if everythng goes well.. i don't want to get another gastric flu.. i might just die from the shock i get from losing weight.

Rather depressed over some things that ain't important to anyone except me.. so i had to face it alone. And the best part is how not to show it. I did badly.. and its showing.. (not my beer belly of coz.. ) But i know i would be alright.. just that i hope for it to be sooner.

Hello?

And finally it came true!... haha.. oblivious of all signs and hint.. i got called by that "famous" amos. All thanks to the "magnificient" jiu mei.. coz she had "psychic" powers.. and this is the third time she got it right.. ar.. and just yesterday, shu shu tio called .. and me got that feeling that i'll tio and so didn't attend lesson.. who knows it still won't budge? haha.. and also just before the start of lesson, yun and ismond were both wearing black.. and me wearing white.. kind of striking.. and they did warn me.. also, we were discussing whether to change seats or not.. coz it was rather a clear view to amos.. but then i act smart.. say will tio means will tio ... move where also tio... i was given the chance to move lor.. haha..

So i got called.. (this is fate.. haha..) and then i don't know how to answer.. just sit there and stare.. really don't know.. haha.. luckily he didn't pursue.. or else think i'll tio shoot until no one can recognise.. haha..

Went studying at KAP today.. suddenly find it to be a rather nice place.. coz of the exam fever, school is rather crowded these few days.. and i don't rather like crowds.. lol.. achieved quite a lot.. yet still got lots more to go..

Short Of Time

*Yawn... finally completed stats revision.. i wondered why i took so long.. almost a month for 0. units only... 3 weeks more.. and i still have 3.5 units to go.. where to find that kind of time? And when you've got everything planned, everything will go wrong. And just the day before, contact lense giving me problems again.. maybe i played too much with the line "argh~ my eyess~!!" Serve me right huh..

Suddenly don't find the time to think so much.. and might as well.. i might understand it someday. I hope i've thought it thoroughly this time round. It sure will have its effects.. not that i want to, but it will lead no where... nothing much. Things doesn't seem what they looked.. but it's already enough.. the point is.. i'm innocent!.. haha..

Anyway, now is the time to study.. retook my 'A' levels 2 times, and each is worse than the previous time.. but i was bugged that time.. didn't want it to happen again.. basically coz of the school fees.. haha.. its like erm.. 7 times more? Haha.. better not waste that kind of money.. i'm trying..

Ar... 3 more weeks.. 3.5 more units.. how can i finish it?

I Need A Break

I need a break.. actually i'm already having it. Didn't went for band practices for quite some time. Seems to me.. i don't know how to explain.. but the feeling isn't the same anymore. Was really excited about band during secondary and college days.. but now.. don't know why. Maybe they've changed.. maybe i have changed. It isn't bounded by school regulations anymore, and attendance is not complusory. Alumni and SWE. I know i haven't been responsible.. somehow or rather.. but i must ask.. are they? Nope.. i'm not shifting the blame.. and i know the management is trying very hard. It's the same for both side.. yet, this is a realist world. Without gain.. who wants to waste his time? Oops.. i've said too much. Haha.. but i never promise them anything.. only a "contract" till 2006 with Alumni. Rather disappointed with the turnout week after week.. and years after years. Maybe i need another miracle to rekindle my passion for band music. Don't push me.. i'll make me hate it even more.. and maybe i should "retire" from the band scene. No achievements yet, i'm just another amature player.. i know it myself.. and for people who thinks they are great.. it just shows the shallowness. LOL. Coz of the amount of effort needed in order to deliver the best.. and also the limit governed by talent, i've almost reached the peak.. and i'm still mediocre. And till that inspiration, i shall hold on.

As i was saying.. haha.. i need a break.. from band as well as from the mountains (and also --) I failed to conquer.. and couldn't afford another setback. I shall retreat. Maybe i'm too concerned about the ending.. maybe i'm just tired. Running away from -- consumed much of my energy. Maybe i'm not the one to scale it.. what i want is, a hill that i can fully protect and take care of.. not some ice mountain or volcano.. a field of bliss is that.. not some volcanic rock or ice kachang. Haaha.. yet i don't mean it'll remain that as always. Ice will eventually melt, and volcano will someday be inactive.. but till that happens, the field on that hill i shall seek.

Coz of my greedy life desire and my two lifetimes of bad karma.. i shall start clearing them now. I'll be good to everyone. Hahaha.. if i can help it.

Studies.. i've been hardworking. Studying in school often. Never been so hardworking (academics) in my life.. haha.. but i'm on schedule. And i'm content at that pace. I shall work for my future.. i want to set up a stall.. haha.. my own noodle stall..maybe can use the maths taught by "lima" to calculate the rate of change of the texture of the noodle with respect to time. Haha.. i'm starting again.. give me 3 lifetimes and it shall be the same!

What Was My Want?

Dim sum yesterday with welfarians.. Nice food there, not bad.. and their service.. i'm impressed. Grance gave us a lift there coz it was after the ex-co meeting. Ex-co meeting.. same old boring things.. I wanna be OGL! .. haha.. maybe the freshies won't be able to take it.. haha.. wiwiwi~ Too bad i can't.. luck for the freshies. "Nua" at the student lounge after meeting.. played table soccer too.. lol.. while waiting for Alvin and Grance.

Was early when we reached.. lol. so great to have own transport.. especially BM.. wahaa.. nice! Was quite shocked that the waitress said we reserved 32 seats! ... lol.. Really sounds like a wedding banquet to me.. haha.. too bad can't get the table to fill up.. as expected, seems like 3 seperate "outings" lol.. the group is rather big.. So sp went there too.. not really surprised.. coz on the way there i heard JJ inviting lynette.. so i've already expected it.. so actually, part of the puzzle was solved.. Anyway, we seems like strangers when we met.. i wonder why.. it was this case during the meeting.. was the same during the "outing".. not to mention today.

Got a weird feeling.. not that i have anything.. just wondering why things turned out this way.. Anyway, things are just the way it is.. i don't have anymore 5 years to spare.. lol.. glad to know.. even if it's just a passing phase. Knowing when to let go.. Knowing when to hold on.

So in the end left early.. i have nothing to do there.. was tired too.. might as well go home sleep. So left with some of them.. the story isn't important anymore.. and with so many telling that story in so many ways.. unless you've heard it personally from me.. don't ever conclude. Tired but still slept at 3am yesterday.. think i'm used to it already..

Didn't have "gashbell" to watch these days.. stupid cable vision.. took it off halfway.. what the.. pay to watch half of the anime?.. i guess.. just as everything.. it doesn't have a conclusion when you wanted one.. guess someday i'll just forget it.. might feel better.. nothing seems permanently important to me now.. not that i have a choice.. i just don't wish to waste time.

So wm was telling me.. by my nature.. it's certain that i didn't have a want in my life.. not that i don't know..it's just that i don't have. Rather true.. coz was just like some other people.. having a want to make their life meaningful.. and my want was to bring out that meaning in my life.. but it didn't. And people ask me why.. it's just that i haven't found.. and i wondered what it would be like. Not to do just for the sake of doing.. and sometimes for the sake.. things are rather superficial.. nothing is from within.. that kind.. it wouldn't last. Maybe it'll just appear when one is not searching. That i don't care.. priority is studies.

So went to school today to try to study.. reached around 1.30pm eat then lame a bit.. end up 3 pm.. = = so study a bit until 6.30pm.. lol.. this is the pace for retaking.. haha.. anyway.. at least i tried.. lol.. having IR revisons this weekend.. argh.. there goes my weekend.

ok.. it does bother me a bit.. so what? Wiwiwiwiwi~ (meaning: life goes on~)

Back to.. Chapter One?

Getting more stressed nowadays.. Mock exam is coming and it's been 1 week since school ended.. Don't know what i'm doing.. but can't seems to concentrate.. still looking for an answer but found none. Friends asked me not to think so much.. and wait till after the exams.. but i have no wish to suppress it.. Creating an illusion through self-delusion.. how much longer can it last? The end of the spectrum is what i fear.. and having gone through it once.. somehow, i'm reluctant. As always, opportunity does slip past. A lesson i've yet learn.. and i have too much to be bothered about.. guess staying put might be the answer? Once again, things are dragging.. and chapters after chapters, the story repeats. Letting go of the past, just because there's something for me to hold on now.. I do admit, there're changes to the way i see things now.. But the fundamentals still remains.. Only the cast had been changed.. the script still follows, and it'll be back to the same story again.. haiz..

Dream Dream Dream~

Had a very strange dream last night.. really strange.. was talking about kite and then i dreamt of someone.. now i don't even know what i'm doing.. why am i still thinking? But it was a sweet dream.. and only in fantasy that i could.. ar.. i don't know.. all i know is.. everything is all so wrong.. and i don't want it to happen this way... what am i doing.. looking back.. things were so much less complicated.. ignorance.. or innocence? People at that age can always smile and get on with their lives.. doing whatever they liked.. and the older one gets.. there are much more things and feelings to consider. Always speculating what the other party is thinking.. and sometimes with paranondial results. And that was what causes the string to break.. What a weird dream.. ar.. shouldn't be thinking so much before sleeping...

Will be having concert next week.. whoa.. kind of excited.. haha.. coz i know i'll be able to give my best, to deliever - all thanks to someone. Anyway, it is just four pieces, coz it's a combine concert with chinese orchestra.. haha.. heard their cannon in D.. whaahaha.. sounds nice, except a bit out of tune. Have only two tickets.. and i don't know to ask who.. or rather.. who would be nice enough to give "face".. haha... i don't blame them.. not many people are interested in such things.. so.. maybe have to use "goodwill" .. haha.. but i don't have much to draw on.. Dinner and Dance is already such a setback.. lol.. Anyway, all the best for the band~!