The Same Me

Plenty of thoughts, however much i wished to write it down. Yet all i could find was things to lament about. Don't know since when, the slightest of things will just agitate me.. i could feel that i 'm no longer the same me. A part of me just went missing, and sadly, it was the "better" part of me that is gone.

It all started with work..

It was said, one cannot compare with others. My foot. Don't put me in your shoes, try putting on mine if you might.

Plenty of grudges, yet i tried my best to support the co. . But i'm slowly finding that i can't even support myself. Nothing at all to fall back on.. no one seems to understand, and those that might, i don't wish to worry them. Others, they are just trying to force their past experience on me. As if all things are exactly the same.. the one answer that answers all.

Perhaps i'm in denial.. and till i accept that, everything feels so real - of what is coming, of what had already happened, and of what might have been. Never felt so uncertain in my life, and never been so burdened.

It seems, all choices pertaining to the fate of my employment is wrong. There will never be an answer that answers all. To achieve my own utility means forfeiting that of others. And the others, are those in my village. To make one happy, just take away what he has and then return it to him some time later. The opposite is to give hope and then take it away. Since my coming into the co., there had been some that are hopeful. Yet it seems that it was traded with my own.

Been frustrated all day long, and the fact that someone in the co. is doing solo act is making me rather mad.. coz in the end, all the shit just falls to me. And to reward such person is to show approval of what he did was right. IMO, this is all just making things messy. No system, no order. How to grow?

As i said, if i don't give a damn at all, i might have worked elsewhere. It would satisfy my criterial of a career. Right now, i just feel so useless at the co., even being the one who received the highest education. I filled the job of the mechanic, and given that there are already 2 of them handling the customers, it leaves me with really not much opportunity to learn. Now i could only use my labour to trade for some bread. It is not the hardship, but the feeling of being denied. Being denied to use my skills which i had comparative advantage in to help the co. Being denied to express my frustration being trapped in the "production". Already 1.5 years.. and i can't imagine myself doing this for the rest of my life. And being paid the least among my peers makes me wonder what was the justification.. not to mention that i worked full 6 days week.

Education doesn't mean earning more, but it is a form of requirement. A piece of paper that allows more choices. Yet, it seems that the more education one received, the less willing is one ready to give up the conventional path. A path that guaranteed employment and salary, but one that makes one no different than another. Even though i didn't take the path that a usual graduate might, i ended up trying to figure out the vader's path. Isn't it the same again? I still end up taking someone else's path, and the worst part is i am at a great disadvantage. I wasn't prepared for this path at all. It was like being thrown into the middle of the ocean and trying to figure out how to swim. Yes, there are plenty to see in the ocean.. but if i don't survive, does it matter?

I had learnt to adapt. At least my hokkien is better.. but my temper is turning bad. The people there just don't talk the same way. The loudest will win logic. Confidence will win facts. Since when did schooling teach all these? We are only taught how to score and get good results. In the end i had to learn new skills from the "society uni", and in the shortest possible time, because my working environment dictates it.

All these thoughts had accumulated over time, and now it seems, i became too self-centered. I wanted people to see, and to understand, and i never tried to see it from their point of view. Mundane work schedule had narrowed my viewpoint to that of only work and myself. I started pulling out from things that i used to do. Coz if they are of no direct help in solving problems at work, will they really be worth doing? Yet i think i got it wrong. To narrow the viewpoint leaves me with less experience to solve problems, and it just accumulates. I'm stuck in a vicious cycle. Perhaps i need some external factors to break the cycle. Till then, everything else had to wait.

I have my dreams, but it seems all distant now. I can't even find my direction, what more a dream.